Sometimes, I want too much.
I want more of a challenge. I want more time. I want more guidance from God. I want to build more meaningful relationships with the people I am meeting. I want to do more. See more. Be more.
There is an element of greatness that comes with “wanting more.” It typically pushes me to learn and achieve… but not always.
Right now, “wanting more” is holding me back.
It’s been 3 months, and I find myself wanting more of a challenge on the Race. I had these hidden expectations that life was going to be more difficult and I was going to see growth in my life instantaneously. We have been in beautiful places with wonderful people for all three months. Zion Cafe in Chiang Mai, Teen Missions Intl. in Siem Reap, and now Vision Cafe in Da Nang. Wonderful places that have made life fairly easy for us.
I also had hidden expectations that I was going to be torn down and rebuilt through the process of the Race. Maybe it will happen in the coming months, but I don’t feel like it’s happened yet, and that’s been difficult for me.
I came on the Race wanting to learn more about God and who He wants me to be. I like to think that He will use me in extraordinary ways, but I’m am not letting that happen. Because of the expectations I have formed, I’ve have begun to see that I inadvertently put limits on what I think God will do. I try to predict what He is doing and what He is willing to let me do. I want these grand things to happen, but I think, “Why would God use me?” It keeps me in the safe zone to know that I won’t have to do anything crazy. God won’t push me too far because “Why would God choose me for something so awesome?”
Really, though, who am I to put limits on GOD? Who am I to say where my life should go? I am not the creator of the universe, and I have no idea what is going to happen. God has always led me further than I think I could go. Like… when I started playing piano in 1st grade, I had no idea that I would play at my brother’s wedding. When I started french horn for the first time in 6th grade, I never thought that I would eventually teach 110 – 6th graders to play their first song on their instruments. I had no idea that I was capable of those things at the beginning, but God led me to greater things that I could know. (Habakkuk 1:5)
Now, I am 8,340 miles from home. I dreamed of traveling and helping do work like this, but I never thought it would happen. During these 3 months, I have seen people worship in new ways. I have been around things that I NEVER would have seen at home. (I saw a chicken fall off of a motorbike today like it was no big deal.) I am living in a room with people that I never thought I would meet. God has already gotten me this far, so who am I to put limits on Him?
When I set boundaries or have expectations of God, I am preventing things from happening organically. I want so much, but I’m not letting God grow me so that He can use me. I am stopping what God could be doing, and that is the WORST. I want to know what God sees as good and begin working towards whatever He has. I want to know that I’m doing good, loving people well, and following HIS plan and timing. It’s much easier said than done, but it seems worth it. When I get out of the way, I see that God has no limits. God has no boundaries. God is free to do what God does. He is able to do the things that He wants and desires in my life, and that is amazing.
I’m realizing that I don’t need much in my life. I really don’t. But… I want so much more. So, I have decided to stop expecting things from God so He can lead me to the “more” I want in my life. He knows my heart and has put those desires there for a reason. Now, I am excited to see where He takes me.
PS. I am still raising support! I have raised 88.1% of my support, and I have 45 days to raise the rest. I am still in need of $1933 to be fully funded. If you feel led to give, or know of anyone who is looking for giving opportunities, please share with them. Thank you for all of your prayer and support. I appreciate you!
Favorite Quote of the Moment: “Be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead.” 1 Peter 1:6
