Soooo here’s a little vulnerability for ya…
Yesterday I went on my Facebook to send Dan a picture and write a comment to him on his page. I know it isn’t him but this is a way I still feel connected to him. I don’t think that is wrong. So many of his friends and some family still post things on certain days or even just when they are thinking of him.
But yesterday as I looked for his name, he didn’t come up anymore. My heart felt like it was stabbed. I was mildly panicking thinking Facebook took it down because he hasn’t been active on it in 4 years. I was texting people, asking about it and even posted on Facebook about recommendations of how to get it activated again.
His page was taken down for other reasons and I have let this take over all my emotions.
-I felt so mad my hands were shaken and my cheeks became flushed.
-I could barely drive because tears were running down my face
-Today at work, I could barely eat and as tears ran down my face uncontrollably, I ran into the first office where someone was to just cry it out.
-It literally felt like Dan was ripped away from me again. My heart has not felt that way in a long time.
I was sent home from work today to have a day, breathe and have some time to myself.
I may be strong most days but I am not STRONG today.
I am still upset but I am realizing that I do not have control in this situation. I am continuously praying to God for peace in my heart and reassurance that everything will work out for the good. God is so good and when I go to Him I feel more at peace and comforted. I went to Him later than I should’ve but He is always there to lift me up, to grab me by the hand and to guide me so I don’t let my anger or sadness take over my Today or Tomorrow.
Dan will always be with me and us and we can remember him in so many ways. I know it is “just” Facebook but I was holding on tight to this last piece of connection to him. I am still thinking of creating a “in memory” page but I am also going to continue to remember Him in ways that doesn’t involve a material aspect.
-Like loving others and living a life that is so full of joy and happiness for Dan and others who are no longer able to live.
I realized that losing Dan and this grief journey will always be apart of my life. Moments of sadness are far and few but they easily creep back up when you least expect it.
But…since everything has happened, I have been blessed in many ways.
*My faith is so much stronger and that alone is a true gift
*I appreciate the small moments so much more
*I have a passion to experience life and be happy in the things I chose to do and will not settle for things that make me unhappy.
*I have become resilient
*I have become stronger (most days)
*I have been able to support, mentor and help other people who are going through hard situations because I have an understanding
*I love hard and truly know that tomorrow is not promised
-Dan, you are missed and we are thankful that we were able to have you in our lives for the amount of time that we did. You will NEVER be forgotten.
Writing about this has already helped so much. Thank you for reading and always supporting me <3
Love,
Kristen
