Failure, judgment, humiliation, anxiety and all the above. These are some of the things that have keep me from being confident when speaking in front of people. Talking in front of crowds is not typically something I enjoy and I know other people feel the same way. My whole team knows now that when I get nervous I sweat. Once in Huaraz I was about to share my testimony at a church and I said out loud that I was sweating because I was so nervous and then our host translated that to everyone…kind of funny, kind of really embarrassing, but we all laughed!
Not only have I been growing in my relationship with God, I have also been growing in confidence in speaking in front of crowds. I wouldn’t say that I absolutely love it, but I am not as nervous as I have been in the past. Listening to my teammates speak and share their testimonies is always so encouraging, although I don’t usually feel like what I have to say is that important. They are all great at speaking, never seem nervous and always have something great to say. Some things sound better in my head and then I say, out loud, and that I don’t know what I’m saying and I’m not good at speaking.
During our month in Argentina, my team has had a lot of late nights, coming back home at around 11 or so, where we eat dinner and then head right to bed. Each time we are told that we are going to have a late night I start to dread it, just wanting to go to bed early and not be exhausted. Yet each time we go to ministry, the Lord convicts me because those nights have been the best of any this month! One night we went to a soup kitchen/church and were told to have a skit, devotional, testimony, and games prepared for the kids. My team did David and Goliath and Anna gave a devotional that went with it. Afterwards, I shared a two minute testimony. No big deal, just shared what God has done in my life and honestly didn’t even expect the kids to still be listening. Surprisingly they were still listening as I finished and as soon as I was done, this little 11 year old girl came running up to me, hugged me, and wouldn’t let go. She clung to me the rest of the night through the games and dinner. Alyssa had told me that she could probably relate to my testimony. I honestly don’t really remember what I said, but I know God placed on my heart what she needed to hear that night. I got to pray with her and just continue talking with her until she had to leave.
That night was so hard for me because I had to say goodbye to a little girl that was going home to a home that wasn’t filled with love. I knew that we wouldn’t be seeing these children again and that was also hard because our first month on the Race with kids meant seeing them every week, sometimes more than once. But while I was writing this blog, God told me I was going to see this little girl again, even if it was just one more time. He reminded me of my key necklace that has the word ‘loved’ on it. The way that the company Keys for the Journey works is that you get a necklace with a word on it. It may be something that means a lot to you or something that God is teaching you. Well over the years God has been showing me and constantly reminding me how much He loves me, no matter the circumstances. When you understand what the key means and feel that someone else may need it more, you pass it on. God has shown me that I am His daughter and that I am loved. I have a voice and story that are important because the Lord is the one who gave them to me. I can choose to stay silent or i can choose to step into faith that God will give me the words to speak to whoever needs to hear about him, even if speaking may not be my strong suit. After asking my team leader and the other team that was getting a chance to go to the soup kitchen to be with the kiddos, I got the go ahead to tag along and spend time with Abigail and the other kids one more time. I wrote her a note (with the help from Google translate) and grabbed my key.
As soon as I saw her, she ran up to me and I got to ask her how she was doing and catch up with her. Again that night she was my little buddy in everything we did, coloring, games, and eating dinner. At the end of the night, I told her before she left that God loves her a whole lot and so do I. I gave her the note and necklace and told her the significance of the necklace that says ‘loved’ is amado (in Spanish).
To Abigail,
You may not hear this often, but you need to know how important and how loved you are. You are a child of God and have the sweetest heart. People in this world are going to say mean things. They are going to try and bring you down. This is not from God though. Know that He is a good good father, who will at all times be there for you, see you in all that you do, and love you no matter the circumstance. I have only known you for a short period of time, but I love you just as much as my a friend or sister. Spending time with you and your friends were the best 2 nights I had during my time in Argentina. Your smile is contagious and you are a beautiful daughter of the King. Whatever you do in life, do to the glory of God. Remember that He placed people in your life for a reason and that you can be a light to them, even when it seems difficult. Look to God for peace and joy and continue spreading that to others. I know the Father loves you so much. Sweet girl remember you are loved.
Until all have heard,
Kristen
