When I decided to the World Race almost a year ago (eek, can hardly believe that!) if I am being honest…I didn’t really want to do it. There were several reasons for my apprehension. First, was the length of time- 11 months seemed too long to be away from everyone I loved, especially since it was to be over the holidays. Second, I didn’t know a whole lot about the World Race. YWAM? Yes, I knew that very well- my two older sisters, countless friends and cousins had been through it. But the World Race? I only knew ONE person that did this and I honestly didn’t even know her very well, but she was SO very helpful and a huge blessing (thanks Briana Hilborn)! Thirdly, I didn’t think I could raise the $15,000 needed.
So, when training camp and then launch rolled around, I was excited yet still very unsure if this was something I thought I could do or even finish. I struggled with feeling insecure about my place on my squad, my role in my team, my personality versus the many extroverts around myself and this new way of life called community.
There were moments in my first few months when my mind would constantly flash to the thought of “Jesus, why am I even here?” I didn’t feel cut out for this or that I was even making a difference. I struggled with missing home and then feeling like a baby because of it. “So, this is the World Race…” I would think to myself.
Welllllll, thank goodness Jesus began some major work in me. I mean, like, I really need some serious work. He is showing me what dying to myself looks like and what failing looks like, which is showing me what accepting grace looks like. He is showing me heartache and pain so deep I cannot help but begin to cry as I write about it right now. He is showing me injustice so vast that it is making me for the first time in my life have to believe God is good even when I am blinded by the hurt.
He is showing me the importance of everyday discipline and how, really, it shows Him how much I love Him. He is showing me that when I forget the little things, how could I ever possibly be ready for the big things? He is showing me how to love and that it is going to be different with every single person because every single person is unique. And He is showing me what a life of following Him with a heart of full trust can look like or rather, what it does not look like.
What a word. Trust. I really thought I knew what it meant. I mean, geez, I came on this crazy thing after all. But no, I really don’t know. Because if I did, I wouldn’t be freaking out about the mere $748.57 I have yet to raise to stay on the Race. But I am, I will be honest, I am freaking out a little. I rack my brain…is there something more I should be doing? Someone new I should be contacting? I am not really good at asking for money, I am from Lancaster County after all where these things aren’t really talked about it the first place.
Trust, that God is going to come through. And that even if it means I have to be super needy in asking for it. That means needy in asking Him and asking others. So, um, here it is…I need money. I still need 748.57 buckaroos to stay on the Race. Yes, I just used the word buckaroos and I'm not even confident that I spelled it right. I trust that Jesus is going to come through, He always does. It it is just the Process part of that Promise that I am stumbling loudly through.
I really hope that all of you who read this are encouraged. First, that Jesus is awesome and is always shaping us. Second, is that it is okay to be needy and vulnerable. We do need each other after all. And third? I don’t have a third and I guess that is okay too.
Okay, well thank you to all of you who took the time to read these words. It means so very much to me! Oh! And to help me? Click the "support me" link at the top of the page.
On another note, I absolutely LOVE India and will be writing more on my experience here very shortly! Stay tuned.
