My head bumps against the window with each turn of the wheel as we rattle up and down and up and down the road through Nepal.
I don't even mind the bumping, I hardly notice it. All I can think as I keep my eyes locked on the country we are barreling through is"I am so tired."
I am just being honest, I am so tired. I am so tired of seeing dirty children, exhausted mothers and forlorn fathers who cannot provide for their family.
And guilty, oh do I feel guilty. First of all for feeling tired. My heart and my body do not even know an ounce of the exhaustion these people feel in every sense of the word, everyday. Second, I get to leave. I think about how I will return to a home with not one, but three toilets, running AND hot water, several beds, and on and on.
Third, I feel myself becoming numb. It seems every time I see these things, my heart hurts a little bit less instead of more. I feel like a broken, malfunctioning thing.
In my old life I would stay here, not know how to get out, feel trapped. And in many ways I don't feel any different, I am still human. But yet something is different, because I know my God a little bit better, I am a little bit closer. And I am closer because He is a good God who uses moments like these to bring me closer to Himself.
As I cry I can't help but talk to Him about it. I feel His presence so clearly here, His understanding "I know." And that is when I am reminded of the wise words of C.S. Lewis…"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
And I understand that this is a part of the Process. I get it. It's normal. But it is AWFUL. Literally one of my least favorite places I have EVER been in my life. I feel so ugly, so broken, and battered. And I am constantly in a place of being sucked dry. By the little kiddos who just want to play, by the contacts who want us at ministry 8 hours a day, by the teammates who try my patience, by my selfishness. I know you are all probably thinking "whew, this girl is a BRAT."
But I am really just being honest. Even when I talked to Jesus I tried pretending like nothing was wrong.."oh hey Jesus, You are so amazing and I love you and I pray for these things…" But meanwhile my heart is sleeping, breaking, and twisting inside of me.Jesus knows me. Why in the world do I even think I can fake it with Him? So for the first time in a long time, I was real. I told Him everything. How I am tired, how I am burnt out, how I am mad, how I am hurt.
I cried out to Him…"so here I am Jesus…dirty, tired, and broken. But I am here." And like a ton of bricks that statement fell over me…"but I am here." I could only keep repeating those words through my sudden tears…"I am here."
"Yes, yes. You are dirty. You are tired. You are broken. But my daughter you are here. And that is all I want. For you to be here. For you to sit with me and talk with me. Yes, you need me. Yes, I will not leave you here. Yes, you need correction, discipline. But you are here. And that is all I ever want from you."
And being in this terribly weak place means it is only He who can make me strong. And even though it doesn't necessarily change the weakness, I can be at peace knowing that my God will come through, provide. Because that is what He does.
Seriously, our God is so good.
Along with all these thoughts in the Process, this month has been full! We began the month in the capital city of Kathmandu working with the amazing youth in the church we are partnering with, Kathmandu Capital City Church. From there we launched into a tour of Nepal! Not really, but that's what it felt like! This month has been full of visiting several churches within the same network as our contacts. Although traveling meant long hours spent on a crammed bus winding through mountains (vomit bags were kindly provided and put to good use) it was worth the time we were able to spend encouraging these small, but mighty churches. We were also able to spend time with the children and youth in these churches. I was so encouraged that despite my feelings of weakness and burnt out-ness (that's a word) Jesus used these times to show me what it means to just be an encouragement by merely being there. It meant so much to these churches that we traveled so far just to see them, meet them and encourage them. Even if it was only for two days.
So, now we are back in Kathmandu finishing up our time here in Nepal. This month has definitely been one of the hardest on the Race, and there were times I felt like it would be easier to just go home. But when I am weak, He is here. And all He wants is for me to be here, with Him.
Following a time of debrief with my entire squad and our field leadership, I bounce over to AFRICA! It is so crazy. I have now been in Southeast Asia for five months, so I am excited to be in an entirely new culture! Also, my parents will be joining me on the field for one week in Swaziland. I am so eager to see them and also to experience a little bit of my a Race with them.
Thank you all for your prayers, encouragement, and general awesomeness.
