5 days after camp, my ears have finally adjusted to being at sea level and my voice is almost completely back to normal. Some people like the raspy voice, but I am beginning to believe that it is only fun for the people around me.
As I am sitting here processing the last week at camp, I realize that I miss my "Z" squad and teammates so much. I feel like I am caught between two worlds- my current home in LA with my loving community and my future home on the race with my newly adopted squad family. This chapter in my life is called Limbo, follwed by Finishing Well.
Knowing that I am right where I need to be (if I needed to be anywhere else, I would be there) I am choosing to remain in the present, live up my last day of work and enjoy the time I have with friends and family. These days are numbered. Only 6 more weeks and I will be calling the Philippines my home.
I have to tell you about my experience at camp. I think my squad mates and I can all agree that one-week felt like 3 months. I can literally say that I processed the last 23 years of my life in just 8 days.
I started the week letting go of all my expectations. My expectations about camp, the race route, who I will meet, what I will do, who I will travel with and what I will do when I return after these 11 months. Let's just say I went in open handed, which was good because I was able to fully invest in what God had planned for my week at camp.
His plan? Tell me that I am loved by Him. He told me over and over. In addition, He used that week to help me forgive people in my past, cut unhealthy soul ties to past relationships and remove lies that were once spoken over me. I got a good look at my previously unrealized need for self-preservation. When played out, this looked like selfshness. I was challenged with putting others before myself. Honoring thier needs and desires before mine. I learned to share everything, including a tooth brush (true story). I had to let go of holding onto stuff with an ownership grip and began sharing with my squad mates like family. This stuff was rough, but it was for the good.
I mentioned that part of God's plan was to tell me that He loves me. The week started out with a new, now good friend writing in my journal that "GOD LOVES YOU." Three words that I have easily believed for others, but have had trouble believing for myself. God knew that it was going to take repetition for me to fully believe those words to be true. So, He went to work and made sure everyone I had a meaningful conversation with that week was going to reiterate those three words in some way. It honestly started to get comical and once I began to laugh about it, I knew it was real. As my character was being shaped as noted above, God showed me His eternal grace by providing sisters to pray along-side me and encourage me. As hard as my week at camp was, I left feeling more loved than ever. While playing a silly WalMart game my new teammate (not knowing the "theme of the week" in my life) bought me a North Carolina mini license plate that says, "I AM LOVED." What? Wow! That was it! I knew it! God loves me. Sometimes it takes repetition for God to get through to us, that He is speaking the truth. I now know that I am loved and can tell others the same thing with conviction in my heart and true compassion. I am free. Free to be me. Free to love and be loved.
Although this week was physically and emotionally challenging (sleeping in the wilderness rain or shine, showering every 3-4 days, wearing basically the same clothes all week, never doing my hair and eating with my hands out of a bowl with 7 others) I was built up by love and learned to believe in my self worth. Although I probably wouldn't order a second week of camp, the experience was more than worth it. In addition to having a squad family of 55 people, I now know for sure that I have a God who loves me, believes in me and will see me through. AMEN! THANK YOU JESUS!
