The second war raging within me is a war for freedom.
True freedom– not the counterfeit kind. Not the claim-to-be-a-child-of-God-but-still-flirt-and-struggle-with-deep-dark-sin-counterfeit kind.
NO! That is not okay. That is not the abundant life that Christ calls us into!
Half-freedom is still slavery!
If I continue to step on the scale harried each morning by the number I will see; if I continue to count every calorie meticulously; if I continue to measure my waist line, then allow feelings of defeat to creep in because of an unchanged number; if I continue to loath the mirror, but claim to know Christ intimately-
then I am a liar!
Jesus says in the Bible,
“I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life . . .”
He also says,
“If you stick with this, living out what I tell you,
you are my disciples for sure.
Then you will experience for yourselves the truth,
and the truth will free you.” . . .
The last thing He says is this,
“I tell you most solemnly that anyone who chooses a life of sin
is trapped in a dead-end life and is, in fact a slave.
A slave is a transient, who can’t come and go at will.
The Son, though, has an established position,
the run of the house. So if the Son sets you free,
you are free through and through.”
Jesus is the Truth. If we experience Truth for ourselves, then we are set free. Jesus is the Son of God. If the Son sets us free then we are free through and through. . . . Not partially free. We are free indeed!
Since I have been on this trip across the world, I have felt Satan try to bind me once again with the chains of slavery. Chains chains called Wrong-thinking and Distorted Body Image.
I began a dialogue with God . . .
If knowing you is my key to complete freedom, then why do I not feel free indeed?
Why am I struggling now and wanting to put regulations on myself again?
Regulations that only brought me death?
Why is loathing creeping back into my self-perception?
You have become comfortable with our relationship.
You have become comfortable with the level of depth to which you know me.
But I have more for you if you want it.
He was right. I had become comfortable. Our times together had become routine. So I began praying and asking Him for more creative ways for us to spend our time together. I began reading the Gospels again. I want to know Christ more! I want to follow his lead. I fasted for three days with intentions to hear from Him and just know him more deeply. I began waking in the wee morning hours to meet with God and He began speaking clearly.
I had become very accustomed to this daily dialogue and interaction, then on Monday, I had the most amazing time in worship! His presence was thick in the room. I felt as if I could have gone on praying and worshipping forever and was disappointed when we stopped.
But then for the rest of the day, I felt distracted. I tried to meet with God in a coffee shop that afternoon, but nothing. No word. Nothing. I began praying for the children in Cambodia. I asked God what His prayers are for them. But the prayers I prayed and the questions I asked went unanswered! I was pleading with God to answer my prayers . . . .
::crickets::
That night I wrestled. My mind would not shut up! I had no peace. I got no rest that night. I woke up yesterday morning desperate to hear from the Lord. Literally, a day without hearing from him was torture.
I began writing in my journal with thanksgiving. I began thanking God for all the blessings I had the day before. I thanked Him for being with me, even if He didn’t answer me and I didn’t hear from Him the whole day.
Dad, even though, I didn’t hear from you yesterday, I thank you for being there. Thank you that you are constant and unchangeable I AM. Emmanuel, God with us.
God, I want to know you more. Please tell me something I do not know about you. When Jesus met with you in the early morning hours, what did you two talk about? How did you spend your time together?
He would ask me what I wanted for the day before it began.
But mostly, he just worshipped.
Wow, Lord. Jesus was fully God, but he still worshipped? You know I have always had a hard time wrapping my head around that verse in Philippians that says “Jesus did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, so he made himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant.” He was God! But mostly, he just worshipped? Lord, forgive us when we pull you off the throne of our lives and act in irreverence towards you. Forgive me when I do this. You are worthy of worship and praise . . . always.
Thank you for your heart towards me. You know I was so pleased with your worship yesterday morning. I didn’t answer you in the afternoon because I wanted you to stay in that state of just wanting me for me, for my presence . . . not for my answers about the kids. I have given you words about the kids. Promises. Cling to those in faith. Cling to your changed heart- your mother’s heart- by faith and come to me for My Presence.
That is where LIFE happens.
Dad, today, I draw near to your Presence because in it truly is fullness of JOY and that is my desire; to see you in everything and joy in it. I want inexplainable joy in every situation and to leech it onto others. That is my desire today. You, Jesus, what is your heart today?
I desire those things too, but let me take it a step deeper. I desire that you see joy in you today! – in how I created you. I desire that you see Joy in your body today, especially as you allow me to lead you in health. I take joy in your presence, every time you invite me into every situation, every decision, every conversation. And when you are able to see and experience and know my JOY for you, in you, you will be free indeed.
And you know what?
He is right. Freedom is not a one time act. It is a daily abiding in the vine and source of our freedom. As I have saturated myself in the Presence of God daily, the struggle against wrong-thinking is absolved without much effort from me because in these dialogues I gain something- the mind of Christ, by which it is impossible to have wrong-thinking because he is the Truth. He is Right-thinking and I am free.
. . . Indeed.
Not only do I gain right-thinking through this daily abiding, I am also released to claim the promises of God. Here is one promise he led me to this morning.
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I’ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places-
firm muscles, strong bones.
You’ll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You’ll use old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You’ll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.
Isaiah 58:8-12.
