Journal: evening of Aug 23, 2011
“So you’ll go out in joy, you’ll be led into a whole and complete life. The mountains and hills will lead the parade, bursting with song. All the trees of the forest will join the procession, exuberant with applause. No more thistles, but giant sequoias, no more thorn bushes, but stately pines- Monuments to me, to God, living and lasting evidence of God.” Isaiah 55:12-13
God reminded me of this promise tonight:
You’ll go out in joy, you’ll be led into a whole and complete life.
Already this year, I have experienced wholeness and a lack for nothing in life.
Already this year, I have been to three countries before coming home to work in the US.
I have experienced monumental brokenness and growth, the coming of the Kingdom of Heaven to each place, inexplicable joy and excitement.
I have been touched by God’s Gentleness, wrapped in his Faithfulness, rested under the shelter of his Grace and Mercy, covered by his Love and drunk in deep his Laughter and Delight.
I have been looking forward to returning to Cambodia ever since I left in February. My heart has longed to go back.
It has burst with excitement at the possibility of seeing the kids again.
With giddy anticipation I have waited to be reunited with the girls on my team.
A peace that passes understanding has settled in my heart regarding my indefinite return to Nicaragua.
With passion, joy, and conviction I have talked about the dreams God has placed within my heart for Cambodia’s precious women and children.
I have declared the provision of God over that which is his will, and I have seen his favor and faithfulness as he has richly provided for all my financial needs.
I have had a constant, encouraging, rock-solid community come along side, behind and before me throughout this summer to encourage, pray, and love on me at just the right times.
Already my life has been so full; made whole in Christ, and complete in Him.
On Friday I will go out. On Friday I will leave Dayton. On Friday I will move to Cambodia. Up until about three days ago I would have said, “I will go out in joy.” But in the last three days a deep heaviness has settled in. I have been tempted to doubt, fear, and retreat.
Every dream, every act, every motive, every reason and desire of my heart, every spoken promise of God has been called into question.
I believe Satan wants nothing less than complete annihilation of my faith, my heart and my soul.
There is so much about this move to Cambodia that I do not understand: What will be my role in the kids’ lives? Why am I still single and going alone? How will the Lord move to bring my husband all the way to Cambodia? What is the best way to fight human trafficking? Will I integrate well into the culture long-term? How do I help without doing harm? How do I keep from paving a road to hell with my good intentions?
There is so much uncertainty and so much room for disappointment, failure, and pain: What if I am never able to adopt the kids? What if they continue to live in oppression under an abusive hand? What if it really is the Lord’s will for me to be single forever? What if the business fails? What if not one girl is rescued or what if children continue to be sold to traffickers? What if I am unable to relate? What if I am rejected by the Khmer people?
I have felt the pressure of the Accuser:
You will be missing out on the joy of your community here in Dayton. They will forget you.
God is withholding good things from you, sending you off single. Think of how your life would be different if you stayed. Think of what things could happen . . . Love would find you. It’s not going to come looking for you in Cambodia.
You really think you can make a difference in those kids’ crappy little lives? It’s their destiny, get over it.
You can’t change a cultural mindset. Women will always be second rate citizens. What do you think you can accomplish white girl? You know nothing about what it means to be a Khmer woman.
. . . on and on and on.
The reality of leaving to be a missionary is not as I have pictured it or would prefer it. But tonight the Lord brought me to Isaiah 55 and this is where I rest.
Towards the middle of this chapter it says that God is making a covenant with me the same as he did with David, one of sure, solid, enduring love. Then a little later it says this:
“I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work.” God’s Decree.
“For as the sky soars high above the earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think. Just as rain and snow descend from the skies and don’t go back until they’ve watered the earth; Doing their work of making things grow and blossom, So will the words that come out of my mouth not come back empty-handed. They’ll do the work I sent them to do, they’ll complete the assignment I gave them.”
So I began asking myself: What are the things, in His love, that God has spoken to me?
“The oldest one has been made to take care of the younger ones and play little mama for a long time. She needs to be allowed to play, and dream, and have a childhood before it completely escapes her. You should have an urgency for her because she is reaching that age when men will start to look at her differently, and want her more than they already have. . . .”
“I desire wholeness for the boy. He is so smart and I have good plans for his life. He just needs someone to pour into his life, invest in him, and teach him. You will love him back to wholeness, but it will be your husband that
will teach him how to lead and be a man of God. “
“Your Husband will relentlessly and boldly pursue you. You will know him by how he pursues you because he will pursue like I pursued you.”
“Wait in silence, faith, and expectation for him to pursue.”
“Without change there is no progression and you do not want things to stay exactly as they are right now do you?”
“Christ moved and healed according to the measure of the people’s faith. Sometimes he was prevented from working because of lack of faith- What is the measure of your faith for the things desired and hoped for?”
There is so much that is uncertain. More than ever I understand that God’s ways are not mine, and the way he works is not how I would choose to work. I am scared to death!!! I am so tempted to pull back, and stay in Dayton where things are warm, fuzzy, and comfortable.
I never imagined walking in God’s will would be sooo hard or require sooo much of me!! . . . I know that sounds heretical, and I mean, I knew theoretically that following Christ would cost much, but when you truly give yourself over to him and he actually tells you to leave everything behind and follow him; I can see why the rich man went away sad. This mess is hard!
Truth: I am scared I will not be able to adopt.
Truth: I am scared love won’t come looking for me in Cambodia.
Truth: I am scared I will become a single mom.
Truth: I am scared to enter and try to relate in a foreign culture.
Truth: I am scared I will do more harm than good.
Truth: I am scared I will fail.
But . . .
TRUTH: God has spoken. He is faithful. He will do it. His words will come to pass despite what I see or how I feel right now.
TRUTH: I will go out in joy and I will be led into a whole and complete life.
And so tonight in the midst of my uncertainty and sadness about leaving, I will choose trust, and I will choose faith. And I will stay on the path until I hear Him say “stop.” Then I will leave the rest in the strong able hands of my Jesus.
