19 Days.
I bid Arizona good-bye, in 19 days.
Deep Breath…
Inhale…
Exhale…
Inhale…
This is really happening…this is really happening….
OH MY GOODNESS!!!
I am excited. I am nervous. I am sorta prepared.
Mostly though…I’m feeling this foreign emotion. It’s like silly excitement and nervous anticipation got married and their offspring has taken up residence in my gut. I’m pumped and ready(Bulgaria, here I come!) yet there’s this whole “saying good-bye” thing that keeps my happy emotions in check.
If I could, I would slip out unnoticed on September 6th, no good-byes, no finality, just a simple, heading away.
When someone you love goes on a vacation, you don’t say things like, “this is the last time we’re going to eat together…” or “We won’t be able to do this again for a long time…”
No, you say things like, “Hey, have a great time!” and “I’ll see you when you get back.” It’s casual. It’s light-hearted. Free from negative emotions.
The truth of the matter is I would prefer to never be sad.
I don’t like crying, I don’t like mourning, and I don’t like that gut-wrenching feeling you get when you’re at the airport and look back at family members who are waving through tear stained faces on the other end of security…
It’s awful.
And yet…this is something that’s a part of life.
When I was at training camp, they kept saying things like, “take time to mourn” and “don’t stuff your feelings.”
It all sounds easy until you actually try to stop stuffing the sadness. That moment when I allow myself to feel is normally the moment I become a wreck.
Suddenly, the ugly tears start falling when I look at my mom. Or my friends. Or my church family. Or even the street that I live on.
When you are really going to miss someone or something, the words, “I’ll miss you,” aren’t just a cozy sentiment, they’re reminders of a hole that will now exist within you.
Sigh…it can feel depressing.
But…
A part of me thinks that maybe this sadness is healthy.
If I wasn’t going to miss anybody, then that would be a huge indicator of lack of love on the home front.
I have an incredible support base that includes people I am super close to and people I have only just met. These people uplift me like there’s no tomorrow and I am so grateful.
In the words of a friend, I don’t want to be Debbie Downer. There’s no need.
I’m finding that it’s okay to be sad in the same way that it’s okay to be excited. At the end of the day, emotions are meant to be felt, and as long I’m not letting them take the wheel, I think it’s okay to embrace them.
Because with all this horrible sadness, there is joy. I get to travel the world. I get to meet lots of incredible people. And I get to do it all with Jesus.
So yes, I will probably cry a lot within the next 19 days….but I can’t wait to see how much I will smile within the next 11 months.
19 days, guys….
Inhale…
Exhale…
Inhale….
Just breathe….
