This was written August 12, 2012
For those of ya'll who do not know me i tend to a little black and white. I used to not be this way , not sure when or even why this transitioned happened but it has. Everything has a place, there is order, nothing is out of line..sounds a bit controlling yet often times I find myself thinking I have a dull life but still prefer it this way but right now there is chaos and I am learning to love it.
SO…I know where I am at right now, we will call this point A and I know there are certain things I want and where I want to go so we will call my future plans point B. Yet I often catch myself loosing focus of point B, and I start to worry about all the in between stuff, like how is it going to happen, what about this, who is going to be in my life… and it is to the point where it is disabling and consuming. So with that being said God is working in me and on me!
Lately God has been working on this whole trust, rest, peace thing. I think it all begins with surrendering and letting him have full control BBBUUUT I don’t really know. So I tend to worry quite a bit… and it is usually about the unknown or money. Sometimes it starts off with dreaming, wondering and just being curious, however it can quickly change to worry. I feel as if I am supposed to have everything figured out. The million dollar question in my life right now is what are you doing after you graduate, usually I respond by saying well I am considering grad school for counseling but it wouldn’t be directly after I graduate. I would love to eventually go to grad school for counseling but the truth is I have NO CLUE what I am going to do! I feel as if I have to give this perfect answer. When i answer them I desire people hear this they see this perfectly colored picture staying in the lines with the darker border and lighter inside…do you know what I am talking about… I know I colored that way. I think there is a FEAR in the unknown. One, the choices, options and opportunities can be overwhelming especially if you are like me and try to think of every choice and option in each opportunity! Second what if I choose the ‘wrong’ thing than what God wants…the other million dollar question what is God’s will for me life. Well listen to what my FAITHFUL Heavenly Father has been doing in my hear…and head these past few weeks.
My life is a beautiful mess, and I am loving it… ask me a few weeks ago I probably would have said no not loving is because I had and still have no answer!! What is so great is I don’t have to have answers, YAY!!! Also I don’t have to have this perfectly figured out life, I have a messy life and get to give it to God, who perfects all things. I have to blessing and opportunity to go to God with this beautiful life full of colors that he has blessed me with and yet a complete mess and know that he is perfecting it with his hands and in his vision, which see more than I can with my little eyes.
Another thing that God is teaching me….well maybe re-teaching me (I tend to be forgetful..) that regardless of what I choose He is in all things because he dwells in me!! ALSO through this whole process God is teaching me that regardless of what I choose He is ALL POWERFUL, and His will cannot be thwarted, that I can’t really do anything to mess up His plan for me!! Now how AWESOME is that, how can you not fully find rest in such an AWESOME truth… I know that recently I have, however I will admit it is a process and daily I am fighting off my tendency to have control and FREELY live in this fun, fantastic, colorful, beautiful MESS of a life that he blesses me with!!
PS can't figure out how to add photos to the post.. but I did color two pictures, one that was perfect, stayed in the lines, used a marker for the boaders and the second one (same picture) I went crazy and colored every where on the page!!! It was so fun!!!!!
