I Want More
From the time I got accepted to the World Race, I knew the journey would be hard but beautiful. I figured the most change would happen on the field, little did I know what He had in store for me during training camp.
Training camp in a nutshell:
- The start of the week, I was living in community with 54 strangers, by day 10 we became family.
- Bucket showers: taken at the right time of day, you might have slightly less freezing water.
- Eating crickets, tripe and other unmentionable things made me that much more thankful for the home cooked meals.
- 7AM workouts really weren’t that bad (especially on the 40 degree nights, we were happy to be up and warm)
- Worshiping until you lost your voice and dancing like a fool because you just don’t care. & chances were everyone around you was doing the same
- Becoming most vulnerable and coming face to face with my brokenness
- Crying more tears that I thought a human had.
- Realizing that a body of believers can change the world.
The easiest way to describe the first few days would be getting your spiritual backhoe out and facing everything I thought I let go, or at least thought I pushed it far enough down It would eventually just go away. But in those first days, I shed more tears than I thought a person could have, forgave people I thought wasn’t possible and prayed for them. I let go of people I should have let go years ago. I worshipped until I lost my voice, and I fell in love with 54 people that started as strangers but quickly became family.
I had no expectations coming into training camp, but I definitely didn’t expect to walk away feeling the way I do now. See before training camp I was that person who sought to take care of everyone else’s problems. I learned the word for that; a fixer. I wanted to fix everyone else’s problems so no one had the opportunity to get close enough to fix mine. As I packed for TC I wanted to make sure that I had everything, in case someone forgot something, I would have it; lotion, gum, Febreeze, extra shirts, you name it I had it. Although giving is second nature to me, it was brought to my attention that I was an excellent giver but lacking in the receiving department. God revealed that I could give, but receiving was such a foreign concept, I didn’t know how to do. Could this have anything with feeling the need to fix everyone’s problems? The thought consumed me for a couple of days and words started flooding my mind- I am unworthy of receiving, I’m not lovable, I’m not good enough, rejection, comparison, ugliness and fear all consumed me.
Later that night, we worshipped. I love worship but that night was different. That night I had a hard time singing because I didn’t believe the words that were on the screen. The song that was playing was Good Good Father and those thoughts started flooding my mind once again. The words “Cause you know just what we need before we say a word” flashed up on the screen and there I stood just sobbing. See, as those words came across the screen my fellow teammate Jessica, hugged me and said “you are loved more than you will ever know”. At that moment I knew I was right where I was supposed to be.
As the days went on, I stumbled across an old journal entry I had written which was Song of Solomon 4:7 “You are all together beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you”. An immediate sense of peace and love flowed through me. And upon returning home and looking in a mirror for the first time in almost 10 years I believed it. There is no flaw in me for I was designed by the Creator. God met me where I was at. He’s known my struggles all along, but I had to ultimately believe in myself.
Training camp was a lot of listening, reflecting and spending time with the Lord. But through that I gained a new perspective of myself, I realized I AM WORTHY, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM ENOUGH!
Because you see, I realized my identity is not in those words but in my Father. I realized that I don’t have to give my Father anything to be loved, because I truly don’t have anything to give Him. None of us do, as a matter of fact, but nothing we could ever do could change the love He has for us. I am His beloved daughter.
I was renewed by the amount of grace and love my God showed me.
As camp came to a close, our squad of 54 became families of 7. We were split into teams, that we would live life with for the first 5 months. You can bet that I was anxious with this as well, but God blessed me 6 beautiful, God-fearing women.
Mary Jane, Katy, Karla, Andy, Shae and Denea
AKA Team F.U.E.R.T.E
I am still processing camp, as God continues to reveal more lessons each day, but I have found hope in learning how to not only give but also receive. And when I feel the need to fix, to bring it to the Lord as He is the ultimately “fixer”.
When I hesitantly applied for the race, God said “Put your yes on the table and I’ll take care of the rest”, and He has very much kept that promise.
In these last 10 days…
I learned to listen more and talk less.
I realized this mission trip isn’t just a trip but the beginning of a life change.
I learned that my testimony matter and related with so many of my sisters, but God has redeemed us all.
I realized how much I am loved and that I crave more of my Father and less of the world.
Big changes to come, but for now I’ll continue to sit at His feet in gratitude.
Xoxo // Kristen
