So, here we are in Bucharest, Romania for
a five-day Debrief with our squad, and I am completely broken before the Lord-
both physically and spiritually. First, I’ll tell you about the physical.
On the second day of Debrief, Erin and I decided to start getting in
shape so we went out for a run in the early morning. On that run, I
tripped and fell over a stump in the ground and fractured my elbow. It is
only a hairline fracture, and everything is going to be fine- but my left arm
is definitely MIA for the next three to four weeks! For those of you that don’t
know, I am left-handed. This is absolutely the worst thing that could
happen right now, because I NEED my arm! (Of course, slight exaggeration-but
its still traumatizing) How am I supposed to do all the things that I need
to do without my arm? How am I going to blog…to journal… to write down
scripture… to EAT… to do my hair… to take a shower!? How am i going
to do ANYTHING?! I’ll tell you how-by asking for help. I’ve
discovered through this experience that I am terrible at asking for help.
Rather than relying on others and allowing people to help me in my
weakness-or better yet, allowing GOD to help me in my weakness-I have learned
over the years to completely rely on my own strengths. I am a strong, independent woman and I think
that I can do everything on my own. Of course this is not true; I need
others-especially the Lord. So over the past few days, I have been
learning that I need to allow other people to come along side me and help me in
my weaknesses. Yes, it is super frustrating, and I can’t stand asking
people to take off my sweater for me or put my hair in a ponytail, but I know
that God is just trying to break me of my independence and allow me to truly
trust and rely on Him and my team. Life is much better when you are doing
it together, rather than trying to do it all alone. So I asked God to
break me this year… and He did. What a sense of Humor.
Spiritually
and emotionally, I am all over the place. I have been discovering so much
about myself over the past week. God has shown up and flipped my life
upside down. We have been incredibly blessed to have Seth and Karen
Barnes and Mike Paschall and Sean Smith from AIM staff join us for our debrief this week. They have spoken truth and power over our
squad and have challenged us to seek Christ and the Holy Spirit and press into those relationships. Sometimes it just takes unlearning the things
we have been taught by this world, and seeking Christ for the truth. He will give it, by the way- if you ask
him. Christ wants a personal, intimate
relationship with us, and sometimes I feel so unworthy that I am unable to
accept that love and intimacy with him.
I’m working on it. As Sean says,
we are all in a process. No one is
perfect and no one is ever finished learning.
Those that claim to have it all together, well… don’t follow those
people. Totally makes sense, yah?
So,
there is also this other thing… I figure that by now, you have probably been
following my blog long enough that I can consider us friends and can get a
little deeper with yah. I’ve come to realize something about myself that I’ve never realized before. During one of the debrief sessions, Mike talked to us about the personal prisons we keep ourselves in that hold us back from advancing in our relationships with Christ and those we live in community with. I’ve discovered that over the course of my life I have placed myself in a prison of comparison and criticism. I have realized that I spend a great deal of my time chasing after the annointings of others and constantly compare myself to those around me. Until now, I never realized just how imprisoned I’ve been as a result of this. How am I to figure out the plan and calling on my own life when I’m too busy chasing after everyone else’s? I am not you, or the person on my left or right. I am me, Kristen Huey. And its time for me to be completely okay with that and love myself for who God made me, not for who I wish he made me. So that is where I am right now. I’m physically, spiritually, and emotionally broken before the Lord. And I am completely content with that.
