I wish when you put your faith and trust in Jesus Christ that life somehow becomes a fairytale. No more sadness, no more stress, no more pain…only pure joy 24/7. Wouldn’t that be the life? If you’re anything like me, when you get in one of those “funks” you start to question just about everything. You almost feel a sense of guilt or shame for not being joyful and happy all the time. How can I be used to spread kingdom and love when I don’t even feel it myself?
During the months of January and February on my race, I was stuck in a rut. In Christian lingo, I was in a very “spiritually dry place”. Africa was a dark country. Even amongst some of the most joyful children and beautiful creation, there was a heaviness that lingered. I was at the stage that (not all) but many people get to on the race. I call this the “over it” phase. I was sick of community, physically exhausted and quite frankly wanted my comfortable life back. Unmet expectations led me to a point of frustration and I began counting the cost. The big events and people back home that I was missing…was it worth it to me anymore to be gone? Was the cost of what I was giving up worth it?
Well fast forward a bit to South Africa debrief. My wondering soon became an answer. No. It wasn’t worth it to me anymore. I was ready to give up. (I would never say I was “giving up” of course, I didn’t want to look like a quitter.) I started looking up flights to get back home. On March 1st I was planning on heading back to Missouri, where I knew I would be welcomed by family, friends, and hopefully some chick fil a. I had pretty much made up my mind. Heck, the same day I bought a freakin long sleeve shirt from the South African mall that I would never wear in Nicaragua because I was so set on going home to Missouri winter. The only thing stopping me from leaving South Africa and heading to the states was a few short conversations. I had a couple people in mind back home and at debrief that I planned on talking to about how I was feeling. All of them being people that I highly respect and I trust the Spirit inside of them to speak truth that I needed to hear. Isn’t that sometimes scary though? Asking people that you respect so much for advice? Because 9 times out of 10 you know they will be right and 9 times out of 10 it isn’t the answer you want to hear. After I talked with 5 different people, they all gave me the same answer, said different ways… “Kristen, you need to stay.” My uncle Brett, a very wise man (although He would never admit it), said this… “tiredness has his way of making us think of all the wrongs. You have to be able to look to the heavens and say God I am going home tomorrow if it is up to me. Will you do something in my heart?” Later that evening, my squad mentor Carly gave a talk and in it she said, “don’t act like you don’t know how to persevere just because you don’t want to.” Well frick, if that wasn’t conviction I don’t know what is. I knew in my heart that God was asking me to trust Him. Never in my life had I truly needed to rely on His strength until now. I had nothing left in me. I decided that night that I wasn’t flying to the states, I was headed to Nicaragua. This wasn’t by my will or strength that is for sure. There are still some rough days, but I am so happy that I chose to stay. Even better than the things I have done and people I have met, I am finally convinced that when I am at my weakest, He is at His strongest.
So far in Nicaragua we have been working on a number of different projects. My team and I live with a local pastor and his family. They are the sweetest couple with two crazy, adorable children. We are incredibly blessed to have beds, cold showers and a whole lot of rice and beans. I love Mexican food!! Recently we finished packing and organizing over 150 backpacks to give to families who couldn’t afford school supplies this year. The smile on the kids faces were priceless. We are also doing some construction work to help build a church and an area for children to come and eat during the week. On Tuesdays, we visit a place called Los Pipitos and play with the children there and work with special needs children. Starting April, we are putting together a curriculum to teach the local people English! I’m really excited for that!
What God has continued to show me is that He doesn’t ask us if we’re capable, He asks us if we’re willing. I have now been in Nicaragua for just over a month and am entering my last full month on the race. That is crazy. I can remember the countdown being over 240 days and now it is nearing 50. It is hard to balance being present here with home so close in sight and honestly part of me is a little scared to come home. There is something beautiful about being with people who are constantly dreaming. Not only are they dreaming, but they a fueling the dreams that I have too. I haven’t felt real stress in almost 7 months and there is a part of me that fears that when I get back. I have been praying for God to begin preparing my heart for home and I know He will. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions!
Thank you thank you thank you for those of you who have spoken truth into my life. Also, thank you for those who have sent me emails or messages. I can’t tell you how much a simple “hello, thinking of you” means to me. Continue to pray for me and my team as we complete the home stretch strong!
With so much love,
K
