I hesitantly open the doors of the smoky building, enter into a world scarcely unknown to my 16 year old self, staring intensely into the hallow eyes of grown men and woman trying immensely to hide the years of guilt and regret. My heart is shaking, hands trembling, yet inevitably it becomes my turn to speak….softly I say
“Hello, My name is Kristen Dworaczyk and I am here for support.”
I listen with an open ear and an open heart, knowing I was there to support my cousin who was living with my family and I at the time, but not even really sure EXACTLY why I was there. Sure, I wanted to be there for her, but somewhere deep down I knew there was a greater meaning behind it all. Behind why I spent month after month attending the meetings and listening in awe to story after story of these people who let alcohol and drugs get the best of them, these people whose dreams were torn apart due to addiction, people who lost their jobs, cars, houses, reputations, and even their entire families abandoned them somewhere along the way.
People who most would say lost pretty much everything, but looking back I can honestly say they gained everything in return. They were so far down, so far gone, so far from where they once pictured their lives to be at the grown age of 45…that they had no where to look but UP! They became totally dependent on God , dying to themselves and their addiction by the pure power & understanding of His grace. While everyone and everything gave up on them…one thing remained true….GOD NEVER GAVE UP & HE NEVER WILL.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. –Romans 8:38-39
These memories from the past I hold close to my heart. The memories of witnessing people come out from a struggle they never thought they could shake, but because we have a God that is so much BIGGER than our struggles, our addictions, our self-worth, or any other type of lie the devil tries to feed us…our God gives us the strength and courage to press forward, taking that step in obedience, that leap of faith to walk with Him with total dependence and trust that He will lead us out of bondage and into the freedom he desperately wants us to grasp hold to.
Now you may be sitting here wondering how this is all relevant to me here and now as I’m 7 weeks away from my World Race journey, but if I had to describe how I’m feeling at the moment…I would say I feel like an addict
AN ADDICT?!?! Yes, you heard me correctly an addict whose addiction may not be alcohol or drugs, but I am an addict addicted to the comfort of my family and friends, addicted to a life of security and being on a schedule, addicted to technology being readily available to me by the simple click of a button, addicted to cars and easy transportation, addicted to food & having the means to obtain whatever my heart desires, addicted to worldly success, addicted to pride, addicted to doing things my way and in my time, addicted to staying within my comfort zone, addicted to the selfish ways I have acquired throughout the years of being dependent on myself for my accomplishments, addicted to the luxuries this life has blessed with me: a loving family, a nice house, roof over my head, closet full of clothes, a hot shower at night, a comfortable bed, addicted to the overall American culture. I am an addict who is so unworthy and so unqualified to go out into the world and do God’s work. I feel like this because as the day of departure is quickly approaching and reality sets in…so does the flesh.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,? neither are your ways my ways,”?declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways?and my thoughts than your thoughts.” –Isaiah 55:8-9
In the flesh I know I am so unworthy as to what God has called me to do. I have sinned greatly, I am no where near perfect, I make mistakes on a daily basis, I don’t always make the right choice, I am a fallen Kristen in a fallen world…yet as I pray about these feelings I remember one statement that rocked my world at Mercy Crew this summer…it read “God does not choose the qualified, He qualifies the chosen.”
Wow!!! Now, that is a powerful quote that holds so much truth and meaning. What’s even more amazing is reflecting on the people in the bible that God used to do His work…
Jacob was a cheater
Peter had a temper
David had an affair
Noah got drunk
Jonah ran from God
Paul was a murderer
Gideon was insecure
Miriam was a gossiper
Martha was a worrier
Thomas was a doubter
Sara was impatient
Elijah was moody
Moses stuttered
Zaccheus was short
Abraham was old
Lazarus was dead
That’s humbling! To know that God himself hand picked these people who he knew the world viewed as inadequate, as failures, as HUGE sinners…YET He chose them to fulfill His promises and the same holds true today…
You see, God didn’t just pick people in the biblical days to do His work, but He has been and will continue to today and everyday following. WE are His people, WE are His chosen ones…whether you “feel” worthy or not….HE CHOSE YOU….HE CHOSE ME & He chooses us everyday out of the simple fact that we believe in Him wholeheartedly.
Open your heart today & allow the Holy Spirit to take over. Allow Him to use you. Be a vessel to someone, to anyone…it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture or a trip around the world for God to use YOU. All he asks is that YOU CHOOSE HIM in return.
He yearns for each one of us to choose Him. He leaves the ball in our court (free will) allowing us to ultimately choose life or choose death. He permits certain circumstances both good and bad to occur out of LOVE for us. He uses our struggles and weaknesses so that we can touch others who may be struggling in a similar area you were once in or are still in today. He will use YOU to touch the lives of people I could never touch because I did not experience the similar loss nor do I understand the cross God has asked them to bare, but YOU do…and vice versa.
I know without a doubt GOD CHOSE ME! He has qualified me to carry on His work throughout the nations consequently touching the lives of people back at home. But He doesn’t want me to wait…He wants my journey to begin NOW…and the same is true with yours!
I urge you to begin today to speak life to people, invite Jesus into your heart and choose Him today & every day!
“Hello, my name is Kristen Dworaczyk and I am addicted to Jesus!”
With love,
Kristen Dworaczyk
