When I was packing for the Race, I brought two bags with me – my big pack weighing in at 43lbs and a day pack of about 12lbs. That’s a lot of weight to be carrying around for eleven months!
I spent hours – days, rather – considering what was worth bringing with me. Each item was carefully calculated with a complementary list of pros and cons. I went through all the scenarios and what-ifs in order to best prepare for my upcoming journey. I was committed to bringing what I felt I needed in order to make this year successful.
What I didn’t realize six weeks ago was that I was bringing a TONNE of unnecessary baggage with me. Forget eleven months.. this stuff has been weighing me down for YEARS..
Lies.
Self-hatred.
Shame.
I’ve been holding on to these things thinking that they would actually comfort and protect me. I wouldn’t let them go because I believed that they were exactly what I deserved.
What I’m starting to realize, though, is that the lies and self-hatred and shame that I’ve been carrying around are not only unnecessary, but harmful. What I once thought was inevitable because of my past has proven to be toxic waste that I’ve simply chosen to tolerate because I didn’t understand God’s love.
I’m learning (and trying to believe) that it doesn’t matter what I’ve done or haven’t done – He loves me because He loves me because He loves me because He loves me because He loves me because that is what He is like.
For so long, I’ve tied my worth up in what I do. I keep thinking that if I can just behave a certain way or do certain things, then I will finally be worthy of God’s love. What He’s been showing me, though, is that He won’t love me any better when I become better. He loves me 100% right now. And even if I have no plans to become better, He will still love me 100%.
After being delayed in Georgetown in order to apply for Brazilian visas, my team along with Team Wildabouts will be heading to Corriverton tomorrow morning to finally meet our Guyana host. As I pack my bag, I will be leaving out a few things that I haven’t gotten as much use out of as I thought I would. Among them will definitely be some of that invisible baggage that has been weighing me down for far too long.
