Well, hello, everyone.
I’ve gotta be honest, I’ve avoided writing my first blog post on this thing because I’ve felt like it has to be PERFECT. It has to be the most flawless snapshot of exactly why I decided to join the Race, or what I’m most excited about (and have it be super spiritual and profound, because I’m super spiritual and profound), or what I’m proclaiming that God will do in my life. Because I’ve totally been in prayer about it at every waking moment!!!!!!
Folks, I don’t have any of that for you today… I do have a whole lot of fear, though.
And I’ve never been one who fears much. Or so I thought… because now I’m seeing that I have an amazing ability to bottle up my anxieties, to close and lock myself into a dark corner of my soul and shut my eyes until it goes away. It’s a skill. But I’ve straight-up panicked about this dang trip, and it’s still 3.5 months away.
So while I’m terrified out of my mind, I do believe it’s where I’m supposed to be for this next season. And it’s because of that that I want to list out all my fears, so I can look back as my journey continues to see how far God will have brought me. Also I’m just tryna call Satan out on his crap, ’cause there’s gotta be a reason for my intense anxiety, right?
So, let Fear List commence:
– I’m afraid I won’t fundraise enough money and I won’t be able to go at all (I don’t feel like I’ve earned the right yet for people to give me money…).
– I’m afraid my body will fail me and I’ll be sick the whole time (coming out of a season where I was so sick and no one seemed to be able to help me, and while I’ll be away from American medicine, this might be my most debilitating fear at the moment).
– I’m afraid that when I inevitably do get sick there won’t be help around (in the previous season I would start to feel sick on stage or in a car, and I’d start panicking because I’d feel trapped in my circumstances).
– I’m afraid I won’t get along with anyone on my squad (sorry potential new friends if any of you ever read this).
– I’m afraid I’ll hate the whole thing and I’ll want to come home all the time (this is very broad, which makes it a hard fear to fight).
– I’m afraid something will happen to my friends or family while I’m gone (in Kenya when we were out of communication for 2.5 months, there were days where I pleaded with God to protect those I loved, because I had no idea what was going on back home).
– I’m afraid I’ll get back and everything will have changed, but no one will have missed me (I guess we’ll have to see…).
– I’m afraid God won’t meet me there (in an intense time of dryness and doubt, what will God even look like in this next season?).
…My biggest fears about this massively different upcoming season, all written out in black and white.
I guess now all that’s left is to face my anxieties head on, with the power and peace of the Trinity alongside me.
