In Matthew, Jesus mentions how it’s possible that ‘the spirit is willing, but the body is weak’… What happens when both your spirit and flesh are weak? Since we’ve been
in Africa, I have felt such a weariness. My mind, my heart, and my body are
just exhausted… and I don’t really know why. Lately, it’s been hard to have
motivation.
September is a huge month back home. Part of why I feel
inwardly parched at this time has to do with me grieving the fact that I am not
going to be there. My such beloved friends (whom I really consider family),
Lindsey and Davey, are getting married next week. I was supposed to be in their
wedding, and I just can’t believe I’m actually not going to be there. That same
day marks the 3 ½ year anniversary of Ben and I, which I also can’t believe I
will be celebrating alone in Africa, and not dancing with him at the beautiful
wedding of his sister and her soul mate. My sister Stacie just led a missions
trip to Haiti and among her team was my best friend, Kristi. This was the first
time Stacie’s ever led a missions trip, and the first missions trip Kristi has
ever been on. I just want to be there to experience these things with them, to
encourage them, to show my love for them. I knew that going on this trip
required sacrifices, but I had no idea how heart wrenchingly hard they would
be.
We were told that the last world race team that visited
Kisumu spoke at 200 local schools. It seems we may be following their
footsteps, as we’ve been going from school to school speaking to the kids
during their evening program (which is much like a school assembly). They have
one each evening, and are all pretty much ready to go home by the time it
comes. They start school at 7:00am and end at 6:00pm… their day is long and
tiresome, and a look of weariness seeps from them. It must be contagious
because each time we speak to them, I feel more drained than running a
marathon.
How can I stand in front of a school full of teenagers and proclaim
fullness in Christ when I am feeling so weary?
I can because my faith is not based upon feelings… No matter
what feelings I am experiencing, the Truths of Christ stand. Even when my heart
is in the driest of places, my soul is still washed in the blood of Christ. Bwana
Asifiwe (Praise the Lord!)The empty feeling I find in brokenness would be too
much to bear if I did not have the Promises of God implanted in me. His promise
that He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit
(Psalm 34:18). His promise that we can find rest in Him (Matthew 11:28-30). His
promise that if we trust in Him, we will bear fruit (Jeremiah 17:7-8). His
promise of having a plan for us – to prosper us (Jeremiah 29:11). His promise
that He is helping us in our weakness (Romans 8:26). His promise that we can do
anything through Jesus who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13). His promise
that He is working for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).
Perhaps I am broken because this is what it takes for me to
seek Him with ALL of my heart. And His blessed promise in seeking Him wholeheartedly
is that we will find Him… and that was my prayer going into this world race –
to know Him better, to love Him more.
Each day, I listen over and over to the Desert Song. God
speaks to me so much through lyrics, and this song has helped put things in
perspective during this time of spiritual drought:
This is my prayer in
the desert, when all that’s within me feels dry. This is my prayer in the
hunger and need; My God is the God who provides. And this is my prayer in the
fire; In weakness or trial or pain. There is a faith proved of more worth than
gold so refine me Lord through the flame.
And I will bring
praise, I will bring praise. No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice, I will declare God is my
victory and He is here.
This is my prayer in
the battle when triumph is still on its way. I am a conquering co-heir with
Christ so firm on His promise I’ll stand.
I will bring praise, I
will bring praise. No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice, I will declare God is my
victory and He is here.
ALL of my life, in every season You are still God. I have
a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship. ALL of my life, in every season You are still God. I have
a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship. ALL of my life, in every season You are still God. I have
a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship. ALL of my life, in every season You are still God. I have
a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.
I will bring praise, I
will bring praise. No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice, I
will declare God is my victory and He is here.
And this is my prayer
in the harvest when favor and providence flow. I know I’m fit to be emptied
again.
The seed I’ve received I will sow.
