I’m learning how to fail, and how to step into my true identity in Christ. I’ve been told countless times “It’s ok to fail”, but never internalized it. You see, I have a fear of failing, especially when put into a leadership role. This prohibits me from feeling the freedom to be my true self, both around others and by myself. I have it in my head that if I fail, it defines me as a person. I’m defined by my sucesses, i’m defined by my failures, but most of all i’m defined by what others think about me. Silly, right? I’m done with being defined by anything (or anyone) other that what God says about me.
I’ve had it said to me that people who are afraid to fail either avoid responsibility in order to eliminate the possibility of failing in the first place, or they try to take control of everything (including others responsibilities) to avoid failure. I fall into the latter category. Here’s a simple example: one day in Costa Rica, we as a team were pouring concrete for a new patio. A pesky dog ran through our finished concrete and left numerous paw prints in her wake. One of my teammates went to fix the paw prints, and I felt that the concrete was setting quickly. In my impatience, I took over from my teammate even though she was perfectly capable of smoothing out a patch of concrete. We have since made many jokes about that situation, but it stems from the root of a deeper problem: my pride.
I have so much pride in me that when my self-image is threatened, I go into a slight panic. I become anxious, weary, and attempt to control circumstances around me, usually to no avail. Control can take place in many ways including: manipulating relationships, avoiding unpleasant emotions/circumstances, or trying to perfect every task at hand and expect the same of my peers. These actions are simply manifestations of my false self. I’m still processing this, and truly learning to let go of control; learning to fail. Within that failure however, lies immense freedom. Without pressuring myself to look good in front of my peers, or act like everything is in control, I’m able to leave room for God to work in my life and step into my true self. If I try to micromanage those around me or am too big of a perfectionist, I’ll miss out on the joys and thrills of fully trusting the Lord! The moments we trust the Lord are the moments we experience the most freedom, instead of holding ourselves captive to an impossible standard.
I want to end with what God says about you and I. We are saints, we are beloved, and we are coheirs with Christ through adoption as sons and daughters. These are things, along with many others, that scripture clearly states as our identity. We are called to live in this new identity, trust and love the Lord with our entire being, as well as love others. Through these we’ll experience freedom, not by attempting to control our circumstances.
This is what God is teaching me currently on the race, along with so many other things; I hope I was able to communicate it clearly.
Questions for you the reader: What are some things you like to have immense control over? Are you afraid to fail because of how it would make you look? What are some areas in your life that you think the Lord wants you to hand over and trust him with?
As for the adventure, we have just arrived in Phillipines to begin our 4th month of ministry! We are currently staying with Children’s Garden which is an amazing ministry working with young men who’ve come from life on the streets into a life with Christ. I can’t believe how quickly this adventure is going. Thanks again to you for reading my blogs, I truly appreciate your support!
