Fighting myself seems like a silly fight. I'm pretty sure I could beat myself up real well but then in the end I am only hurting myself. Change is inevitable and change can be very frightening. Sometimes I can feel so helpless when I recognize change but do not quite know how to handle it. I know that more often than not I resort back to how I used to handle change and that is the most frightening reality. Too often I feel as if I have not come far enough or emotionally grown enough or become spiritually sound enough to be utilized by God and it frightens me that He still wants to use me for His glory. So I fight. I fight between who He has called me to be and how I see myself. Everyone has good and bad days but the closer it draws to our official launch date the more I fight myself. I beat myself up for small inconsistencies and failures. I fight believing that I’m made whole by His blood, that I’m called for His purpose, that I’m His eternally.
Recognizing change and embracing change is a crazy whirlwind of emotion that is overwhelming and exhilarating. I don’t quite know how to look at it. Opportunity is one way but also to put my imperfections and failures under a microscope is another. I’m really fighting myself not to do this because I never really did it before. Yea I struggled, fell, stumbled, and got right back up. This time just feels more difficult. As I call on the Lord He responds to my heart of hearts and stirs a feeling of acceptance and understanding that only He can speak to. He says to me Psalm 18:19 ‘He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me’ It’s not because I’m neither flawless nor sinless but merely because He loves me, he delights in me. He hears me. God hears my heart and feels my hurt, he provides me peace as I rest in his presence and call upon his strength.
I was talking to God earlier and asked, “Lord how are you strong when I am weak? When I am weak I fall and stumble and fail? How does that make you strong? How does my weakness show your strength?” He replied to me when you are weak I am strong. I am strong when you are weak. Your weakness does not weaken me nor make me weary. I will carry you when you are weak because I am strong. Your weakness shows you how much you need to depend on me; how much I want you to call upon me that I may lift you up and woo your heart to know that through all things I am your strength your redeemer, your Savior and the lover of your soul. Psalm 20 (THE WHOLE THING)
Are you allowing God to woo your heart? Beating myself up and focusing too much on my iniquities and failures rather than surrendering them to God and focusing on His perfect love for me creates a barrier that keeps me from recognizing and seeing the greatness of the Lord and His love for me.
