I’ll be honest and pretty vulnerable here. I’ve felt pretty down and stressed recently. My expectations were not being met, and I felt like I was doing something wrong. I was already having doubts, not just about the race, but everything. But God is faithful! I started feeling stressed out when I was planning fundraisers and writing letters. I felt like I was doing my best, but I was seeing little to no fruit from it. I was questioning what I thought God said to me about this trip. I was thinking about all the times He came through for me in the past and why I felt like He was ignoring me this time. I was having some other troubles in my life that only added to my stress. I mostly wanted to quit.
The one thing that I do every Tuesday morning really kept me going. I lead prayer for a worship with the word set at the torchhouse that prays over Song of Solomon chapter 2. Basically we worship The Lord with song, and then we sing and study the scripture with music. I can not express how filled with love I feel after meditating on that chapter for an hour and a half. I can always so easily relate my circumstances to it. He find me beautiful, even though I hide from Him sometimes. He calls me toward his love and adventure, but I am often afraid. He fills me with confidence, because He promises me safety, security, and victory. I am His beloved, and He is mine.
So, battling some depression myself, I meditated on Song of Solomon 2:11. “Look, the winter is past, and the rains are over and gone.” He told me that He made a way for me! He has broken the chains of oppression, depression, and death! I am totally free to enjoy all the beauty that He has created for me! My worry and stress is of the past, and He has made for me a path of peace in Him. All I have to do is trust his ways.
With this revelation, as you can imagine, came along new discouragement from the enemy. I knew that I should trust The Lord, but I was still seeing the lack of support coming in for this trip. After all, He asked me to come away with Him! Literally, He asked me to go out from my comfortable spot and into the world. How could this be a closer image of this chapter? So, why is my calling not being funded the way I think it should?
Well I admit now, to not fully leaving my own plans behind. I still wanted to make sure I had time for my plans once I got back from the trip. I realized that trying to schedule this trip around my plans is nothing like what God wants to teach me. I chose to leave in September, because I wanted to leave as soon as possible. Initially, I was not very excited to find that I probably wasn’t going to make my first deadline meaning I was going to have to postpone my launch date. I almost feel embarrassed, because I made the mistake of presuming God wanted me to leave so soon.
You might have caught on and figured out my most recent update. I have pushed back my launch date and have chosen a different route for the race. For reasons other than the lack of finances, I have been overwhelmed with stress. I felt like I was failing at every preparation step. Just thinking about having more time made me feel a little better. Then I looked at the route options and found one that had included a country that I’d been praying that God would let me visit, Ireland! So with much relief, I give you my new route: Philippines, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, Malawi, Zambia, Zimbabwe, Ireland, Bulgaria, Moldova, and Romania.
So even though, God is pushing my expectations of life further and further away, I am so excited to be serving Him in these countries. Thank you so much for your support and prayers. Thank you for even reading this and being patient with my uphill walk with The Lord. I refuse to view my situation as backsliding, but I will always view my life from a Song of Solomon perspective. I will come up from this wilderness leaning on my true Beloved. I will trust and follow Him wherever He leads me.
