Some days on the Race are worse than others. Some days are GREAT. Some days you feel forgotten and alone. Satan attacks every fiber of your character and tries to make you believe you’re unwanted and unloved. And other days you feel the Lord’s presence so strongly that you just ooze with joy and love. And oftentimes this is what gets shown on social media. It’s easier to write about the good than the bad.
For me, the “bad days” come after days of Internet use when I finally get a chance to talk to friends or family, or after just stalking their social media. It comes when I haven’t heard from people in a while and I don’t feel pursued. Or it happens after I talk to people a lot and feel like the space in their life where Kirsten used to fit in the past before I left for the World Race no longer exists. Most of the time this is a lie, but that’s what the devil twists it in my mind to say.
I’m not writing this so everyone can throw a pity party for Kirsten as she’s traveling the world, but so that people know that life as a missionary is still real life with real insecurities and a chain of bad days. Every thing that haunted me back in the States still jumped on the plane with me and it’s been a year of finally dealing with the insecurities I often masked or ignored back home. Sometimes people think being a missionary means being so on fire for Jesus and in love that every day is “the best day ever”. But really, there are periods of time when I can’t hear the Lord’s voice and I get frustrated, I get flustered, I get insecure and I get confused. I DOUBT my relationship with Him and his voice. And some days I don’t want to get out of bed for my quiet time in the morning with Him.
But the best part is that the God who orchestrated the work of the Bible is alive and the EXACT same in every present moment. The promises we read that were written years and years ago are unchanging, without flaw, and are timeless. (Isaiah 40:8; Psalm 18:30, Psalm 33:4)
Even in our ugliest moments when we reject Him, question Him, and ignore Him, He says that he will never LEAVE nor FORSAKE us (Deuteronomy 31:8). I think oftentimes we as believers have been a long line of “perfect” images that shares it’s smiles and celebrations but hides it’s bitterness and its flaws. But we are a generation breaking the mold. God doesn’t want “perfect” people. He wants broken people who need a Savior.(Ecclesiastes 7:20) That’s the whole reason for His being. He wants us to be willing to share the ugly, to share the hurt, to share the real, and to be people of authenticity.
So I’m here to say, “I’m ugly. Look at all the ugly.”
So this blog is for YOU— the non-believer.
Welcome to a body of believers who are here to say, “hey look at all the ugly in my life”. We are here to break the thought that Christians are perfect, flawless, sinless people who aren’t willing to share the “unsharable”. Here’s an apology for not being that for you sooner, and a promise to be that for you going forward.
And this blog is for YOU—the believer.
Are you inviting people into your ugly? Or are you hiding it? For the longest time, I was a hider. I was scared to let people see who Kirsten actually was because I was scared of judgment. Did you know outside of me being my own worst enemy, my fear of man is something FIERCE? Its true. But at least I’m not afraid to say it out loud anymore.
