I want you to step into a picture with me for a moment. Picture a girl in a fancy ballroom where floor length ball gowns surround you on the dance floor. You look to your left and a woman wears a beautiful white dress, while the man with her sports a black tuxedo with a tail. And the couple to your right boldly wears a red dress and a black tuxedo, and suddenly you become insecure. You begin to realize that you’re the only one in the room who mistook the ball for a masquerade. Your heart begins to race when you remember you didn’t apply makeup because you assumed the mask would be covering your face the whole night.Your mind is racing. ‘What do I do? I can’t take the mask off. People will see me for who I actually am.’
This girl is me.
Somewhere in high school I found myself tangled between sports and the rest of my life.
A usual routine consisted of school from 8:00-3:45, practice from 3:45- 6:00(or so), and then an hour drive (three days a week) to Amarillo for basketball practice from 7:30-9:00. And repeat.
Sports were LIFE back in the day. I’m not talking about your fun, faculty volleyball game…Volleyball and Basketball were my identity. Somewhere in the mix I lost sight of reality. Sports are just as much of a mental competition as they are physical. Half of your energy exerted is focusing on the question, “How can I come off as ‘put together’ and ‘level-headed’ to the opponent, even when I am LOSING IT internally?”
Reality became blurred and I carried this question over into my every day life. How could I carry myself from day to day so people so me as strong? As a rock? As unfazed? As INDEPENDENT? I wanted to be known for my strengths and I wanted to hide away my every weakness and vulnerability in the furthest corners of my heart so no one could find them. I was unaware of the freedom that came with vulnerability. My spiritual growth became stagnant because I refused to invite people into the depths of my heart to help me deal with the stress, the bitterness, and the ugliness that I refused to uncover.
In doing so I became disconnected, unrelatable, and lacked dependence on the One who gave up everything for me. I closed my parents off as well because I didn’t want them to carry my burdens. I didn’t want them to know that inside I was actually really weak. But they saw through me anyways and we ended up having one of those really long conversations at the dinner table you dread, and I broke down. This was the beginning of my journey to vulnerability. Little by little Jesus was showing me how His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).
As I got to college I continued to learn the value of community. I found a group of friends who encouraged me to open up, and I did… to an extent. But Training Camp in Georgia this past week and a half is when chains were broken.
I showed up to Training Camp with a mask hiding all of my insecurities, my fears, my shame, and left with that mask on the floor, my heart fully exposed yet so fulfilled. I let go of my “false self” and started walking in my “true self”. You know what the best part is? Many of my squad mates had been living behind masks as well, and in the midst of the physically, emotionally and spiritually hardest 10 days of my life a family (of 41 beautiful souls) began to help one another take those masks off and uncover everything we had been running from. Our squad dove head first into all of the crevices in our hearts that were harboring our true self, and then watched as Jesus redeemed us from the very things that kept us from falling deeper in love with Him. Do I still struggle with vulnerability? Yes. Do I have everything figured out? No. But I DID choose to ask Jesus to hold my hand through it all and was lucky enough to gain 41 world changers that will continue to encourage me to continue to deal with the messy parts of life.
Vulnerability is kind of like the high dive at the swimming pool. The closer you get to the edge, the scarier it gets. But once you muster up the courage to jump off, you feel weightless. As terrifying as it is I kind of feel weightless when I choose to open up my heart and be vulnerable with someone because I know the Holy Spirit is filling me with the strength I lack.
{For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. – Ephesians 3:14-19}
After finishing Training Camp I struggle to put into words just how incredible my experience was, but what I can tell you is that I am PUMPED to spend 2016 loving on people around the world. Thanks to each and every one of you reading this for being a part of my journey. It’s only just beginning!!!
