I have always had a hard time making decisions. Even choosing what to order from a restaurant is hard for me. Dumb right? Or maybe you have felt this too. So, as you can probably imagine, big decisions, such as what to do when I graduate, are much much more difficult. As I prayed about whether or not to go to college right away, God said no. For me, that was a big deal. I had been researching colleges since I was a freshman, and it just seemed like the obvious next step once you got your diploma. So God’s blunt answer left me with one big question: What am I supposed to do now?
I went on my first mission trip to Mexico in 9th grade. I fell in love with it so much that I hardly wanted to come home! I felt God so much differently than I ever had back in the States, and it stuck with me. I returned the next year, and then the next. That love for missions, and seeing God in new places was still looming in my thoughts as I wondered about my future. I had been looking into the World Race and other missions programs casually for a few months, but once I knew that college wasn’t an option, I began to dream a little more directly.
Here, the deadly villain, indecisiveness, once again enters the picture. My passion for missions didn’t change. The fact that I got excited over it, didn’t change. But my lack of confidence in my decision making abilities brought me to ask myself: “What if you’re making the wrong choice?” “What if this isn’t God’s will, but your own?” “What if you miss out on God’s real calling for your life?” Even tonight, after having applied, being accepted, and starting the preparation process, felt the doubt again. But the problem isn’t the lack of confidence in myself. The problem is trying to find confidence in myself instead of in God. I wasn’t trusting Him. I was doubting His ability and sovereignty. The amazing thing is that He is bigger than me and more understanding than me. His will can’t possibly be broken by a tiny human like me. If that were the case, then we’d have been screwed a loooong time ago. Think about it. Adam sinned. Because of that sin, humanity was set on a course that led to death. BUT, God redeemed that choice by making His own: sending His Son to die, carrying our sin on Himself, conquering death, and allowing us to be loved by the Father forever and inherit eternal life! Romans 8:27-28 says:
And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit himself intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.
God works for the good of those who love him. He makes everything come together. That means that we don’t have to be perfect, which is convenient since we clearly are not. We can make choices being confident that He directs, guides, and works everything out. I don’t have to fear that I am making the exact perfect decision, or that I could miss out on something that He has planned for me, because He is bigger than any one choice I could ever make. I can place my confidence and trust in Him who placed all the stars in the sky and tells the sea where to stop on the shore. I can rest in perfect peace because He is above me, He is capable, and He is good.
For me, this looks like going forward with the World Race Gap Year. What might it look like for you?
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?… For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:32 & 37-39
-Kirsten
