Today has been a tough. The presentation about The World Race this morning didn't go as planned. The job search for Cleveland was very frustrating. My to-do list seems the world long and is growing. My heart is growing sad for leaving Hershey. I got into a fight with my mom this morning. And I got into a fight with my dad tonight. Ugly words were thrown around as if they were weightless and carried no meaning. But they carried meaning, and they weren't weightless. In fact, they hit like a knock out punch. I was down for the count.
Today was a tough and I was growing too weak to fight back. So I after fighting with my dad, I came up to my room. I had angry written all over my face. My heart was racing and my eyes were filling with tears. I was becoming more and more discouraged by the minute. Then I put on my boxing gloves and thought, I've got something left, I'm gonna show them I can fight this. After throwing around ways to fight back (specifically at my parents) I thought, I know, I'm going to quit the race. Then my parents will feel quilty for the things they said, I won't have to worry about presentations going bad or fundraising not going as planned, my to-do list will shrink drastically, and I can pay my student loans off faster and move out of my parents house. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'm quitting (which really isn't fighting, it's just quitting).
My heart felt differently. On the outside, I was wanting to fight back. On the inside, I just wanted to give up, surrender. Then I felt the gentle, comforting nudge of Jesus. He took my boxing gloves off and said, "Talk to me. Let me hear about your day. Surrender it all to me. My burden is light, I can fight for you. Remember, I called you to this. Trust in me. Don't give up because of your desires. I have so much more planned. It won't always be easy, but it will be worth it."
Tears began to stream down my face. My anger turned to surrender. My fight was over. I was no longer in control. In that moment I told God I needed encouragement.
God said, if you want to quit the race because you want to prove a point and make your life easier go read a blog. So I got on the website and read a blog. The blog ended with this…
"So, the world race isn’t a picnic, and it isn’t a constant spiritual utopia full of like-minded believers who only bring out the best in one another – it’s messy, and it’s real, and it exposes the ugliest parts of your flesh and insists on digging them out.
But if you want to look more like Jesus, you have to acknowledge the (likely, multitude of) ways in which you currently do not look like Jesus, and I can’t think of a better environment the show you than what the world race offers."
When my flesh is saying no because I'm angry, overwhelmed, sad, and tired, God is saying yes because He has a bigger plan. I'm messy and today definitely didn't bring out the best in me. But in the end, I want to look more like Jesus. I want to be a reflection of Him and His love. And when I read this part of that blog, my heart felt encouraged. Encouraged because I know that God has me on this journey for so much more than my mind can even imagine. Encouraged because I know that even when this doesn't seem doable and my life is spinning a million miles a minute, God ultimately called me to this and He is going to see me through it. Encouraged because I want to not only help change lives but I want my life to be changed. What better way than to follow God to The World Race?
He is calling. I am going.
