“I don’t want just a temporary fix,” I said. He replied, “It’s not a temporary fix. I’ve created you to be dependent on it.”
A few weeks ago I wrote a blog about being in the middle of brokenness. I ended that blog by saying that in the midst of the brokenness I worshipped. I didn’t worship because I felt like it, but I worshipped because I knew there was truth hidden in the worship. I worshipped with the anticipation of finding freedom in it. And as I worshipped I began to ask myself if this season was really supposed to be about the brokenness and healing from it or was it a season of learning lessons from worship?
I’ve never been one to worship by myself. I would play worship music and sing to it but I never really worshipped. Corporate worship, sure; but never alone. And then Thailand happened. As I sat in the messiness of what I was walking through, I found my heart longing for something more. I wasn’t sure what it was but I wanted something—something more.
I wanted something that wasn’t focused on what was going on inside my head and heart.
With about two weeks left in Thailand I began to sit out on any meal served at the children’s homes. Instead of being inside eating with them, I was out in a field with headphones in and worshipping. I didn’t always feel like it but the more I pushed past that feeling and worshipped anyway, the more I began to find freedom in worship. I began to jump, dance, sing, shout, raise my hands, spin around, clap, and sometimes just sat in His presence all for the glory of my Papa. And suddenly that something more was being filled. I spent every night out in those fields. And as worship gave me something more, God began to give me freedom.
We left Thailand and I began to neglect worship. I didn’t do it anymore and suddenly my chains were back on. I got frustrated because worship seemed to be just a temporary fix.
“God, I don’t want a temporary fix. I want real healing,” I said. I didn’t want to be dependent on worship to be free. I didn’t want to have to do something continuously to be free from everything in this world.
So often, I’ve recognized that is ok to “need” God for certain things or for a specific amount of time but for some reason culture has taught us that we need to be independent and shouldn’t need too much from anyone. We shouldn’t be dependent on anyone, including God.
A few days later I was reflecting on that concept when He replied, “It’s not a temporary fix. I’ve created you to need Me, to need to worship. I’ve created you to be dependent on Me and when you stop being dependent on Me you struggle.”
And it’s so true. We were created to be dependent on God. We can get by with Him just being a part of our lives or being partially dependent on Him, but life is so much more when we are fully dependent on Him because that is the way He created us.
It was then that I realized that I wanted every aspect of my being to be dependent on Christ; and I’m more than content with that. If a day came where I wasn’t feeling up to par, it would be because I was depending on something other than Jesus that day. And every day that I am up to par it’s because I’m being dependent on Him.
I don’t want a life where I just get by…I want a life that’s full…and a life that is full is a life that is fully after Him.
God created me to worship and in worship there is life and I’m dependent on that.
Indeed, Thailand was a month about lessons in worship and finding contentment with dependency.
