"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."
I entered the third night of camp wanting nothing to do with forgiveness, but I would leave the session that night having EVERYTHING to do with forgiveness.
Before the night session even began, Jessica had encoucouraged me to show compassion toward my sister. To show kindness and mercy. Uh, did she not notice that I was so angry towards my sister?! When she spoke those words, I physically felt every muscle in my body tense up. I was holding onto this pain from my relationship with my sister because I wanted her to pay for it. I wanted her to know all the pain I felt. I didn't want to forgive her or let it go. I wasn't going to show compassion or mercy. I reeked of bitterness.
I left the conversation with Jessica and walked into the worship/teaching session for the evening. My worship was minimal at best. I was distracted. I felt an intense bitterness burning inside me.
The teaching that night was on the Holy Spirit. Earlier sessions had been on grieving, healing, and forgiveness. At the end of the talk, I was praying for more. I wanted more of the Holy Spirit in my life. Then I heard the whisper. "Your bitterness toward your sister is keeping you from getting more of Me."
At that point I felt sick. I knew that this particular evening was going to be tough. I was wrong. I was being asked to let go of the bitterness, let go of the pain, and let go of her. I didn't want to let go and I didn't want to deal with anything. BUT I WANTED JESUS, I WANTED THE HOLY SPIRIT MORE. As I wrestled with the Holy Spirit about letting go, I said, " I don't want to have to work through it. I don't want to open this up." Tears were streaming down my face. My breathing was labored.
"Surrender. Let me have it. Lay it at my feet. Let me have her. Give it all to me and I will heal you tonight. You won't have to work through it. I will heal you of the pain tonight," He said.
"I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me." – Give Me Faith by Elevation Worship. I was about to experience how BIG His Spirit really was.
Divine healing? I've asked for divine healing before and it's never happened. This night, I wasn't even asking for it. I knew the decision I had to make. It was an EASY decision. The painful memories played in front of me like a movie. The tears were racing down my down my cheeks and colliding with the floor. I was shaking. My legs felt weak. But I laid it ALL at the feet of Jesus. I let it go. The bitterness gone. The sadness gone. The pain gone. The memories just read freedom. It was a divine healing. No long therapy sessions needed this night. It was scary because I had little faith, but it was easy!
"Now sit and rest at my feet. I know that burden has been heavy. You've carried it for many years. I know how exhausted you are. Rest, my child, just rest."
And I did. It was the most beautiful moment sitting at the feet of Jesus. Breathing. Just breathing.
Forgiveness also came that night. No apology by her was necessary. But I had to forgive her in my heart. He forgave/forgives me even though I can't find a single reason as to why I would deserve it. If He can forgive me, I can forgive her. I have to forgive her. And I had to ask for her forgiveness in order for my healing to be complete.
"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."
That night at camp, I became emotionally lighter. God took me higher. And I experienced the intimacy of a God who cares deeply about His children.
I get to take the good news of this sincerely personal God who desires to heal the wounded parts of us to the nations. How lucky am I?!
