I’m on the World Race. I’m a missionary and I’ve been a missionary for the past 7 months. Many people support me not only financially but also in prayer. And there are people back home waiting to hear what happened on the World Race and how God is moving in the world. This isn’t supposed to be happening.
These are all thoughts that I was thinking as I began to seriously question my faith. Being a missionary, you’re supposed to be strong in your faith, right? For most of the race, I’ve found myself asking a lot of questions of the Lord. And for most of the race, I’ve felt an intense battle happening over my life. But God has always won. That was until the last two months anyway.
Africa is an interesting place to question God and to not only question God but to consider giving up on God. And I definitely reached that point this month. For the past two months, I’ve fought the enemy every day. I’ve woken up to lies. I’ve believed things that aren’t true. And Satan has manipulated truths into lies. After all, he is the father of lies. I would read my Bible and think that what I was reading was ridiculous or sometimes, it would even be manipulated. I would hear people talk about God and wonder if that was all there was. Am I just a pawn that is used in a battle? Maybe I’m not good enough for God. Maybe I haven’t been forgiven enough and that’s why I don’t love God enough. I mean, the Bible does say that he who has been forgiven much loves much. I’ve walked with God my whole life. I’ve always been a pretty good kid. Maybe, I just needed to do things to be forgiven more. Bad theology, I know. But that is honestly what I was thinking.
As we went from house to house praying for people, I just got frustrated. I didn’t want my words to be spoken just for the sake of saying something, praying something. But I wanted them to have meaning. And as I waited for the Holy Spirit to speak through me, nothing happened. How could I believe for these people, what I wasn’t even sure I wanted for myself? How could I believe that God was going to do something good in their lives when I wasn’t even sure that it was the best thing for them?
And so I came to this point. This tipping point. “God, I believe in you, but I don’t know if I want this anymore.” And I wrestled. And God wrestled. And I fought back. And God held on. Truth is, for most of the race, I’ve felt like Satan has been playing games with me. And these past two months, he’s really been playing games with me. And God wasn’t stepping in in the way that I wanted him to; the way I thought I needed him to.
Not only do I not know if I want this; but now I don’t even know if I can do this. “If I quit on God will these lies and games stop? I mean, I don’t love God enough anyway so maybe that’s the best plan.”
