Isn't God's creation absolutely breath taking? It constantly leaves me speechless and in awe of Him.
Then I look at myself.
I have to make a marked effort to remember: I am part of God's amazing creation. How readily do we ignore that and criticize ourselves. How much does that break God's heart? He tells us He loves us, that we are worth the life of His Son, that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. And still we have such a hard time remembering that.
This is just one of the many lessons I learned last week during month 1 debrief. It was an amazing time to pour into each other, let ourselves be poured into, so that we are better equiped to pour into our ministries on the field. We spent time with our wonderful squad coaches, squad leaders, squad coordinators, and each other. Examining God's Word, spending time in worship, sharing in each other's struggles and triumphs. There was so much emotional and spiritual healing as we allowed the Lord to work in us by opening up to each other.
The Father has been reavealing a great amount to me about myself, but also why I am here. I came on the Race because I didn't have much else going for me in life. I didn't know what to do career-wise. While I had my Bachelors of Science from a solid Christian college, I didn't have any call from God as to how to use it (nor did I particularly want to work in the field in which I earned my degree). I was between jobs, living at home, simply going through the motions. I knew I needed to switch some things up. Of course the Race is perfect for that. So I came on the Race knowing I have no idea what to do with my life, ready for God to show me some sort of calling.
In recognizing that, I slowly realized the passion and conviction I once had for my calling in life is completely gone. At one point in life I was so convinced I was being called to be a teacher, I would have told you I couldn't die any time soon because I hadn't fulfilled my calling yet. Through a series of difficult, but important life lessons, God has taken that passion from me. At first, that thought saddened me a bit. If I have no call in life…what am I working towards? I'm not in school anymore, so there isn't some degree on the horizon. I don't have a real career by western standards, so there is no promotion or corner office to work towards.
But then–how amazing is it to only have one goal ahead of me: God. The only thing I have to run towards right now is Jesus. That is amazingly freeing to recognize. The image a teammate gave to me at first was that my fire hadn't just been put out, but it disappeared without a trace. My calling to teach is gone and while at first it seems dark that nothing is in its place, God has this amazing blank canvas to use now. I have no pressumptions as to what He is calling me to. I have no ideas, nothing to mark up the Master's canvas of my life. It's blank. Perfectly clean, waiting His first strokes. It can be nerve wrecking to stare at a blank canvas in anticipation, but it can also be peaceful, knowing His timing, His plan is perfect. Oh the great things that await me.
