Today is
Thanksgiving in the states.
Back home, before I left, my amazing friends threw me a
Going away party where we celebrated all of the Holidays. My roommate April
dressed up as a Indian (Politically Incorrect Term) and my dear friend Shaw
dressed up as a Pilgrim. Great fun.
I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. I didn’t
expect that really. I probably should have guessed this would happen, because I
fell asleep crying. And when my teammate Mary woke us all up because she felt
like a rat had crawled across her, I still had tears in my eyes.
I don’t know what it is, except maybe, I think there are
things I’m grieving about. Some are important things. Like how I know our teams
are changing again, and one of my teammates has doubts about finishing the
race. Some are stupid things, like the
fact that the Tanzanians steal my lime green old navy flip flops. I didn’t realize how much I liked those dumb
things until they keep disappearing.
The rest of the team wants to go into town today, which consists
of a 45minute- An hour bus ride into the heat of Dar Es Salaam. Then walking
around the city with natives shouting “Mzungu” until we get to an internet
café. The rest of my team will Skype their families. They will talk to people
they love. They will read emails.
I’ll probably do nothing. Nobody I want to talk to is really
ever on Skype. I can’t say I blame anyone for that, really. Maybe a part of me
likes this. I can say, “Nobody was online again. I didn’t get any emails,” so
that my team can feel sorry for me and re-assure me that I am loved, but it
doesn’t matter how often I do that, because I never really feel assured.
I’m tired of being here, in this place. I’m not talking
physically. Despite the heat, I think I actually like Tanzania, and I’ll miss
it a little when we leave for Thailand next month. I mean this “Spiritual,
emotional place.” I am tired of being in a place where people are my “friend”
because they HAVE to be. People HAVE to love me because we are the
children of God. They HAVE to love me
because we’re family, or whatever excuse we use. I want to be in a place where
people WANT to love me because they
think I’m amazing. I want people to like me for who I am, or maybe, just who
Christ is in me. . . because I think I don’t even want to like myself at times.
Even as I write this, I realize how selfish it is. I read a
book on Systematic Theology this month, and it talks about how God doesn’t need us. I’m having a difficult time
trying to reconcile how He could want me
to be His child when He doesn’t even NEED
me. Ugh. Don’t we all need to feel
significant at times? Am I the only one who feels this way? I FEEL like I’m the
only one who thinks this way. I want Him to WANT me. I guess my co-dependent
sinful nature wants Him to NEED me.
Ugh. I have five countries left. And 30+ years. I don’t know
how to press on.
Misty Edwards is playing in my iTunes right now. She keeps
singing, “All I want is You to have your way. You are the potter and I am the
clay. All I need is You to have Your way. For You are Creator, and I’m what You
made. Finally I surrender. Finally I surrender. . .” Somehow, my heart, which
is deceitful above all things, KNOWS that this is what is right. My heart FEELS
that this is what I REALLY need. So why is it so hard?
These are my thoughts on thanksgiving. There are some of you
who are praying and fasting for me because my dear friend Jeanette asked you
to. I want to tell you that this Thanksgiving, I am thankful to God for you.
Thank you for fighting for me. The black cloud is still here, but I am looking
forward to the hope that one day the light will break through. Much Love to
you.
