“Why did you doubt?”
I feel like Jesus asks us all that at one point or another.
Doubt is an integral part to our lives as fallen humans, so much so that religions
are built upon it. I can see why Peter doubted that night on the Sea of
Galilee. He was walking on water, defying the very laws of nature itself to
take a step of faith. How poor Peter gets a bad rap. At least he had the faith
that Jesus could pull him back out, because that’s the first thing he cried out
when he began to sink.
“Lord! Save me!” (Matthew 14:30)
My doubts are so much shallower than Peter’s. If I were to
get out of the boat, for instance, I’d probably only sink up to my knees until
I hit the ground. Yeah, I had the courage to get out of the boat and try
walking on water, but how deep was my faith really? What good would it be for
Jesus to save me from knee deep water?
And therein lays my problem. I don’t give Jesus enough
credit. I don’t give Him NEARLY enough of a chance to show His glory. I rob Him
of it by only trying to tread upon pond deep water.
I was talking about the World Race to some friends of mine
at church, one of which happened to be the Youth Pastor’s wife. She’s a few breaths
older than I am, but I have always valued her insight and wisdom. Interestingly
enough, when she found out I had applied to the World Race, she told me about
how her sister-in-law’s sister was doing the same thing. We got into a very
interesting conversation about raising funds, and she told me about how all the
stuff I needed to bring (like the backpack, sleeping bag, pillow, tent. . .
etc…) cost around $500 alone.
I was shocked. “Are you kidding? Where am I going to get the
money to pay for all of that?”
She continued her story about how her sister sister-in-law
(that’s a fun title) went to a backpacking store to look at all of the stuff
she needed to get, and how when she got to talking to the lady that worked at
the store, the sister-sister mentioned what she was doing.
Apparently, the worker at the store told her she could
borrow all of her supplies for the trip.
I was even more shocked. “WOW. That’s amazing. God is so
good.” Then I huffed, “It must be nice.”
Did you catch that? I completely short changed God. I was
willing to praise Him for somebody else’s experience, and then INSTANTLY
doubted that anything like that could ever happen to me. Even as we continued
to talk about the trip, my mind was still wondering, “Where am I going to get
all this stuff? I may be able to borrow a backpack, or a sleeping bag, but what
about the rest of it?”
So when my application had been accepted, one of the first
things I looked at was the packing list, and one of the second things I did was
put up a link on my Facebook asking if anyone had a backpack I could borrow. No
takers, but my aunt did offer to buy me one. I told her I’d have to do some
more research on what I want before I let her do that.
Even with the buzz of excitement, I still doubted that I
would be able to get my hands on cheap equipment.
Then I came home, and started chatting with my roommates
about the day. One of my roommates, (a lovely girl known as Leah, whom I went
to Zambia with in 2005) perked up and said, “Hey, I have a backpack you can borrow,
from when I went to. . .”
“INDIA!” I shouted. I had forgotten Leah had backpacked
around India the year before I met her. YET EVEN THEN, I doubted, thinking,
“I’m sure her backpack is nice and all, but I don’t think it’s what I’m looking
for.” Sure enough, she trudged upstairs and when she came back down, I felt
like my eyes were going to fall right out of their sockets.
She was holding the most gorgeous, navy blue, slightly used,
internal frame backpack I had ever seen. “See? I think this might help. And I
even have this. . .” for the next fifteen minutes, she proceeded to pull out
her supplies. She has a 20 degree thermal sleeping bag, a sleeping pad, an
inflatable pillow, and even a HEAD LAMP. A flipping head lamp. One that has red
lights too for hiking at night. I threw my arms around her neck, and nearly
kissed her.
That’s when I heard Jesus say: “Oh ye of little faith. Why
did you doubt?” I totally undercut God’s provision for me because I didn’t
think I was worth it. I was wading in the shallow water when all the while He
was beckoning me to come tread upon the deep.
I suppose that if we didn’t have doubt, we wouldn’t know
what faith really is. Sometimes, I wonder if it is worth expressing our doubts
so we can see His glory shatter them. I so hope I remember this lesson. His
deep calls to deep have taken on a whole new meaning to me.
