Nobody’s dry in the rainforest.

I was told by my fearless leader, Alexander Cole, that our
adored and revered squad leader, Aly Beeler, had managed to procure us a
position with a stellar contact in the capital, Kuala Lumpur. As the fourth
most visited city in the world, I had to admit, I was quite elated to be
spending the month there, for it had been some time since I’d seen
civilization. At least, civilization as I liked it.

All of our team talked about how great it was going to be,
living in a big city, ministering alongside some of the greatest squadmates
(Team Dove was going to be with us), and being able to chow down on McDonalds
whenever we wanted.

Much to our dismay (at least at first), not even a full
24hours after we had arrived, we were informed that our team would NOT be
staying in the city, but going to instead be living out in a village in the
middle of the MALAYSIAN RAINFOREST.

I prayed to God about this. I had asked Him not to send me
to the village. I was tired of living without electricity, running water, and
no internet. I really wanted a break. I told God this. Then I immediately told
Him, “Yet, not my will, but yours, dear father.”

I sighed a little bit, knowing that God isn’t really ever
concerned with my comfort, rather, He is concerned with my Holiness. I knew my
prayer wouldn’t be answered the moment I prayed it, because that would be easy.
Somehow, God knows that I don’t really thrive or grow on “easy.”

So out to the jungle we went. I had a poor attitude about
it. For the first couple of days, I think I may have even expressed how unhappy
I was about the situation. I tried to make the best out of it in my own
strength, and that never lasted long. Shortly after I had resolved to be “positive,”
my negativity would find its way to the surface through sarcasm. To put it
bluntly, I was not a happy camper. (Accurate and Punny, as we had to sleep in
our tents to keep the mosquitos and “other” critters away. . . but that is a-whole-nother
blog in itself.)

So I started praying, as I felt like that was probably the
best place to start. I knew my heart wasn’t in this, and not just because we
were out in the jungle without the “comforts” of home. More than that, I had
honestly been looking forward to working with Team Dove because that meant it
would take some of the pressure of having to be around my team 24/7. Yes. I
will openly admit it on the Blog-O-Sphere. I was NOT looking forward to
chilling with my team in the jungle. I don’t know if that makes me the first
World Racer to have these feelings, but I may be one of the first who is so
openly honest about it. (Who knows? I feel like us “O” Squaders have had a lot
of “firsts”. . . and consequently, some “lasts” as well. But I kind of like
that about us.)

Thankfully, God decided to show up. In a much bigger way than
I intended too. . . I kept asking God to change my heart, (since Thailand) and
I feel like He finally has.

In our latest Debrief, someone mentioned how God has set up
a spiritual banquet table in front of us. They said that God was telling us, “Here
are the good things I have for you. All you have to do is come and take them.”

I had NO idea what those things were. I prayed and asked God
to reveal them to me. He sent me an angel, (no kidding, He sent me Angela) to
tell me what those things are. I am to take “Security” off the table and ingest
it as if it were a thanksgiving feast. A novel concept really, as when we “ingest”
things, we devour them, and they become a part of our inmost being. This is something
I’ve been trying to do for a very long time, that is, “ingest” the idea of
Security, (security in God as my Father, security in my relationships and
friendships, security that I am accepted as is and won’t be rejected, security
that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made, etc,.) For anyone that has
serious struggles with insecurity, I’m sure that you can relate to how
difficult this is. This isn’t something you just “get over” one day, regardless
of how many “positive” things you say about yourself.

There are so many things I was dealing with, trying to learn
how to ‘be acceptable’, all the while trying to learn how to accept the fact it
was nothing I could ‘be,’ because in reality, I already AM accepted.

I had a moment in my tent one night, where everything seemed
to come to light. I felt like I heard God tell me, “You ARE my daughter. You
ARE royalty. You ARE loved, accepted, and you will NEVER be forgotten.”

I’m not one of those types of people who expect
breakthroughs, or even claim to have them, because if I do, they are few and far
between. So when I tell you that I had a breakthrough, please believe it.
Things seemed to just settle into place. I was reminded of a quote I used to
think about often: “God’s in His heaven, all is right with the world.” For
once, it felt true to me.

The very next night, I reminded my team they had forgotten
to pray for me during my feedback night, something I hate having to ask for.
They apologized, and someone said, “Let’s pray for you now.” At first, I was
reluctant, but I’m so glad that I let them.

Things were pretty normal, until my teammate Ashley began to
pray for me. Things between Ashley and I had been weird since Thailand, and of
course, I had put all the blame on her. It couldn’t be ME, after all. There
were things that had been said and done that HURT, after all. Yet when she
started to pray for me, I immediately realized what I had been holding onto,
bitterness and resentment for things she really had no control over. Seriously,
up until that point, I had been so angry that I couldn’t even look at her
without disgust in my heart, and I hadn’t realized how bad it had become until
that moment. The instant she put her hands on my shoulders to pray for me, I
saw my sin against her.

I instantly knew I had to not only forgiver her, but more
importantly, ask for her forgiveness. In that second, I felt something physically
“fall off” of me, like a scab that had come to its full healing, and so there
was no longer any need for it. I started to cry, and felt like I had been clean
for the first time. Somehow, God opened up a floodgate of healing that night,
and it was through the person I least expected it to be through.

Imagine my surprise, and humility.

So yes, I didn’t want to go to the jungle. I wanted to hang
out in the city. Yet, as usual, God knew what I needed. He needed to refresh me
in a way I had never been “refreshed” before. My heart has been a dry, cracked
lifeless thing. I needed to come out to the rainforest to learn what it was
like to really be “flooded.” I needed to know what it would be like to drink living
water, not droplets from a leaky faucet, rather a stream from that like a fire
hose.

I’ve been swimming upstream for quite some time now.
Finally, I’ve been caught in the current. I’ve finally been able to show Satan
that class six rapids are now like swimming around in the kiddie pool. Not
because of anything I have done, but rather, because of what my glorious Father
has done for me.

I am so excited for Central America. The end of the Race is
near, but we still have three months left to bring Kingdom, and I am dying to
see what that is going to look like.