We’ve taken a very atypical mission pastime lately, that of playing cards. It seems like every ministry we’ve been to on this race is rather conservative, and they view playing cards as potentially sinful. Which I can understand, so to be respectful, we have exercised our freedom in Christ by playing cards in our rooms late at night, the game of Spades in particular.
I don’t know if you’re familiar with the game of spades, (I’m not really either, I’ve only recently picked it up) but the idea of “Going Nil” always frightened me, because it seems like a huge amount of pressure. So I never did it before, even though I probably could have.
As usual, we were playing late into the night, and because we really enjoy each other’s company, time passed pretty easily without our awareness. Then I was dealt a horrible hand, and announced my bid of “Nil” apprehensively, for even though I had a terrible hand, I STILL wasn’t sure if I could pull it off, since I have never done it before.
So my teammate Carrie said, “If you can go nil after midnight, you are pretty baller.”
And there was the incentive. The elusive title of “Baller.”
I don’t really know why we as humans hold onto such small things, but we do. I’ve recently realized how incredibly important words are to me. The cliché children’s retort to insults; “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is only something I feel like a parent came up with one day when their child came home with bruised feelings because little Johnny across the street told them they were a “meanie.”
We cannot fool ourselves into thinking words don’t hurt by using more words.
In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman talks about how “Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important-hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.” I think this principle is true of ALL people, however there are some of us (like myself) who thrive on the idea of Words of Affirmation. I have never felt so loved as when people tell me something simple as “Kirsten, I like you.” Seriously. It is THAT easy.
So I think it goes without saying, it is nearly just as easy to shatter my heart. I hate it when people snap at me, yell at me, or even worse, tell me something along the lines of how they “like” or “love” other people without taking into regard of how desperately I want to hear those things from them too.
I’ve learned to accept being loved in other ways, don’t get me wrong. I have learned how other people love, and have held onto that when they serve or give me gifts rather than speak words. I’m just trying to convey how important it is for people to not only KNOW they are loved, (which I do,) but to FEEL they are loved. (Which is harder to do.) Especially for me, someone who has been wired for feelings (I’m an ISFJ/INFJ.. but heavy on the F) when I don’t FEEL loved, I feel, well, unloved. To say the least.
So I guess, all that to say, I’m learning how to love this year. In many ways. Most importantly, I am learning how to FEEL loved. I think God has been telling me that He loves me for YEARS, but I haven’t really listened. I have become painfully aware that I don’t know how to allow God to speak love into my life, and also, I have become aware of how much UN-LOVE comes out of my mouth. . . mostly in my own direction.
I have discovered a horrible habit of mine, that is, speaking death over myself. My teammates have indirectly corrected me at times when I’ve said something negative about myself. My first reaction is to usually get annoyed, because I think, “You’re not in my head, you haven’t walked in my shoes, you don’t know me at all.” But I have been trying to get better at accepting those corrections as their way of telling me how loved I truly am. They are inadvertently trying to teach me how to love myself.
I am a poor student.
See, even there. Again.
It is amazing how difficult it is to break the chains of a slavery you grew up with. There are sins we stumble upon that are surprisingly easy to repent from. Others, not so much. Sometimes it’s the “little” sins we have such a difficult time with, because nobody really notices.
I guess that is one of the great benefits of living in Community, especially one fostered by trips like the World Race. We are forced to become family to strangers, and sometimes, it is SO much harder to hide sin from someone who is looking at you with perfectly crystal clear, no history, unattached, unmotivated, unbiased vision. You can try to hide, but not for too long. God isn’t about to let ANY of us hide this year.
I don’t care how many people think cards are sinful. Tonight, playing cards made me feel loved. I will hold onto those words for a lifetime.
