Between the mosquito net and the Dale Earnhardt sheets, I lay awake at ten till midnight, listening to the sound of my teammate toss and turn on the creaky bunk bed below me. I stare at the ceiling and wonder, where is my focus?
My thoughts have been so scattered lately, as if they don’t know where to go for comfort. Inside my mind, are sentence fragments of being, while I attempt to ward off the attacks of the enemy by taking every thought captive.
Some of the ponderings: “Why can’t I feel you?” “Is it ok to miss someone so badly?” “Will I be one of those you tell, ‘Depart from me, for I never knew you’?” “I just want to quit.” “I’m so tired of putting myself out there to be forgotten about again.” “Am I really making a difference??”
Tears always seem to come so quickly in the time between the sunset and sunrise. I’m just so tired. I didn’t know this trip would feel so much like a wilderness.
I know God is in it, but I haven’t felt Him in awhile. I want to seek Him out first and foremost above all. I want to actually BELIEVE that He is all I need, all the love that I need. But I’m so tired of the tears. They don’t really bring me any comfort. I don’t know if they ever did.
So I mash out a poem on my iTouch before I go to sleep, thinking if I could expel some raw emotion I may feel a little better.
I want to die
And find a place in Heaven
Where all my love can be contained
In a room unlike any other
Colorful and beautiful
With art you can climb
And unclenched hands
Offer up true friendship.
The loyalty of a Doberman
Has no place on this planet
Where dust finds breath
And blood seeps so red
It taints my vision
Of black and white.
So strip away my gods
Till none of me remains
Because time has no greater captive
Than the least of these,
The greatest of sinners
And see me, oh Lord
Restless and real before you
Whishing just once
I could understand
Love.
