Today (two days ago) was our last day in Tanzania. I spent the remaining 24
hours without electricity to charge my laptop or iPod, and making Christmas
Presents for the rest of my Squad. (Don’t get your hopes up.)
It is really difficult to think that three months in Africa
are about to be over. I look back, and I’m like, “What have I done?” To answer
my own question, I attempt to be “humble” and say nothing. I feel like I’ve
done nothing. We spoke at schools in Kenya, we played with orphans in Uganda,
and we’ve encouraged the believers in Tanzania.
All in a month’s work, really. I feel like I could have
sleepwalked through Africa, the ministry has been so “easy.” In fact, I think I
may have been sleepwalking. Part of me has, anyway.
I don’t know what it is, I still am struggling with a bunch
of different “God” questions. I’m learning how to trust Him with loving me.
Somehow, that is supposed to play into the way I love others, but I haven’t
figured out how to do that yet. I mean, really, if I’m having a difficult time
trusting God when He says He loves me, then how in the world do I trust PEOPLE
when they say the same?
It doesn’t matter how many times I hear it. There is a light
switch in my head that needs to be flipped for me to believe, but I can’t very
well flip that switch myself.
I’ve come to the place where I really DO want God to be
everything. I want it so bad, but feel like I’ve been in this place before, and
I wonder, how is it any different this time around? Is God actually going to
take me seriously? Am even I taking myself seriously when I say this?
I KNOW that this world holds NOTHING for me. I tell God I
want Him to be EVERYTHING. But there is still something missing. I don’t know
what it is, I don’t know how to find it, or if I’m even SUPPOSED to find it.
In our last church service, Pastor Bonafice told us to pray
to God, and ask Him what we want from Him. I feel like I’ve done this before,
but I’ll oblige. I tell God again, “I want YOU. Don’t you get it?” Then I ask
for a very foolish thing, I ask for God to show me humility. I tell Him, “Teach
me to be truly humble.” I have asked for this before too. In that little box
under my Facebook profile picture I have written, “God, please let me drink the
cup of humility you have set before me, and then give me the strength to
stomach it.” I know humility is a dangerous thing to ask for, I’ve been down
this road already.
So tonight, steamy and dark, I’m waiting, praying for the
electricity to come on. Our contacts show up with a bowl and a flashlight. They
announce, “We are going to commission you to go. We are going to wash your
feet.”
WHAT?
Are you kidding me, God? After all the things I’ve said to
You these last three months? After all the things I’ve said about you? How I
hate you, how I doubt You’re even there, or rather, if You are, do You even
CARE about me? Do you even SEE me? So small and insignificant?
Jesus, are you going to wash MY feet??
I immediately burst into tears, because I KNEW God was CLEARLY
answering my prayer. I heard Him say, so gently, “Kirsten, you asked me to show
you humility. Here it is. Remember?”
It has been so incredibly dry here in Africa. I was thinking
about it tonight, wondering if God was going to come and “Flip that switch” in
my head. I doubted it was going to happen at all, let alone tonight. My last
night here. And NOW You decide to show up? The irony is great. I can’t hate God
for this. It is too perfect. Of course it is too perfect.
So now I’m in bed, listening to the soft snores of my
teammates, awaiting a 4:00am alarm that will awaken us to another horrid travel
day,
I think I’m excited. How could I not be? I am blessed. I am
redeemed. I am seen. I am loved. The power that brought Jesus to life, to LIFE,
is in me. Where could I go that He is not with me?
Nowhere.
Thailand is awaiting. I don’t know what to expect anymore.
Maybe more wilderness. Maybe more deserts. I have decided, that if that is
where God wants to lead me, then so be it. He’s already been there, anyway. I
pray that I can continue to press on, and I will remember what He has shown me
tonight, how He has seen me and answered me.
I will remember.
