Yesterday I was on top of the world, race. Or so I thought.
I had a great day of painting, a great day of deep and
shallow (but fun) conversations. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought
I had really taken some decent strides with my relationships, both with God and
my team. I was beginning to see things in myself, and I finally felt safe
enough to express those things to my team, knowing that they’d be willing to
see me through these hard times to the end.
But then, it seems, that life is just funny this way. Just
when we think we’re safe, the rug gets pulled out from underneath us.
Usually, when that happens to me, I stumble a bit, but I’m
usually pretty good at regaining my feet. Yet this time, I fell. Hard. The
gravity of the situation made me face plant on the promises of my Squad Leaders
and my Lord. I skinned my spiritual
knees so bad that I swear there will be scars.
I haven’t felt this hurt in awhile.
I just don’t understand it. I’ve been learning lately about
how good my heavenly Father is. I’ve been learning about His Justice and Mercy,
His Sternness and Love, all things that a Father should be. I’ve been told that
God doesn’t punish us, He chastens us. He doesn’t tempt us, He teaches us. Why then, does this change feel like
Punishment? Why does it feel like a temptation to just give up on relationships
completely?
How is this LOVE?
I don’t understand it. At the moment, I don’t WANT to
understand it. I feel like we had a good thing here, I mean, we’re not perfect,
but we had finally gotten to a place where we were willing to WORK on it.
So far, I just feel like every family I’ve ever had has
failed. At least, when it comes to me. Maybe I’m being a tad immature. Well,
the greatest in the Kingdom is the children, and even they throw a temper
tantrum sometimes.
When it is all said and done, I know that there will be good
that comes out of this. I KNOW that somehow, this all works together for God’s
Glory, and my good. . . supposedly. Eventually, I even know that I’ll look back
at this moment and say, “Man. That worked out. It really SUCKED at the time,
though.”
So anyway. Due to circumstances beyond my control, this will
be my last month with team Love Upstream. I didn’t realize how prophetic that
name was until last night, when I bawled my eyes out for around three hours
after finding out. I really did love this team. This is going to be the hardest
team change for me yet, and I can’t believe that I’m even saying that. Who
knew?
beginning of next month’s ministry. It is a team of all girls, all INCREDIBLE
girls that I can’t wait to work with. I’m trying to look at the bright side of
all of this. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is to be God’s “Beloved,”
and so, what better place to do that on this team. Because now, the place my
heart is in, and how it hurts, I just don’t feel very be-loved.
