Greetings Reader,
Happy Thanksgiving! How wonderful! There are so many things to be grateful for. Friends, family, comfort, saftey, and life in general. I’m so thankful for all these things. Mostly I’m grateful for the love of my life. Our Sovergin God and I mean that truly.
I’m not going to lie to you, this month was a struggle. Not because of the holidays, even though having the feeling of missing out was a constant one. This month was extremely hard because I felt numb to the spirit of God.
I want to take a second and debunk a myth that people often believe. Just because we choose (missionaries) to live outside the comfort of what is known, doesn’t mean we do not have dry seasons. In truth this trip, and even life, is what you make it. As a follower of Jesus, you can choose to dig deeper and deeper into the unknown that is the Holy Spirit. Just in these past five months I’ve seen so much personal growth in me and my squad mates.
This month in Malaysia and honestly while writing this, I realized that I was only diving as deep as I ever had before. Wow! Revalation! Right there. My relationship with God was/is so simple. I trusted Him completely because it was easy to believe in Him and even easy to feel His presence. Not so in Malaysia.
This month was the longest season that I have felt disconnected and cut off from God. So frustrating. A part of my spirit wanted to cry out “Where are you?” but God has shown up for me to many times to doubt that He is in the midst of my every moment. My conclusion was that it was me. That it was my struggle of lack of faith that tuned out His voice. You see, when it comes to our lack of relationship with our Savior, we are the source. God has proven time and time again that we need a Savior and He chose to be that for us.
So knowing that I was at fault I just remained in this weird limbo. At first I enjoyed it. Silence and solutde it a rarity on the race and I took full advantage of it. Slowly tried to reconncet with God through different things. Prayer, reading His word, scripture journaling, even worship. None of those things worked. Things that had worked in the past to give me another spiritual boost didn’t work. NOTHING! And it freaked me out.
I knew! I knew God was there. I just couldn’t connect. It’s scary when you lean on something and it falls out from under you.
A couple of days ago I was in a squad meeting. I was in the back trying to draw. I can’t draw. I wanted to do something besides just sit and listen. My squad mate asked me what was wrong and I confessed that I was having trouble hearing God. Nodding her head she closed her eyes and began to pray silently. For a minute I sat there waiting for wisdom. Opening her eyes so looked at me and said “Be still and know that I am God.”
Be still and know.
So simple.
So in desperation I sat there. Eyes closed and waited. I was still. As followers of Jesus we know that God is God, but we can’t possibly fathom that GOD is GOD! There is no magic formula. I just had to be still and have the weight of His love and glory fill me up.
I can honestly tell you that the ease of connecting to the father still isn’t what it has been, but I’m thankful for that. Because in this desert (literally and figuratively) God is opening me up to new ways to connect with Him. Most days its just a taste, but honestly, that’s all I need.
So in conclusion, I’m thankful for the dry seasons. Because without them I would have never understood how thirsty I am. Praise God for living water.
Thank you all who had sacrificed for me to be here. It will never go unnoticed.
With Gratitude,
Kirbie Head
