“Jesus, help me, my heart is turning cold to the world. How is it that I can go to training camp, feel refreshed and transformed in your truth, come home and lose it all. How is it I can be so on fire to spread your gospel, be ready to love and fight for your people and not 24 hours later be so convinced of old lies that I cannot go one hour without fighting back angry tears.
We as a team anticipated spiritual attack, we were ready to fight. I was ready to be a woman of the word, fight off the devil with the sword of the spirit, but somehow I cannot carry it out. I don’t choose to go to your word Lord, I choose anger, bitterness, and contempt. How does that happen? Is the devil that deceitful or am I that unstable in your truth?
What I have heard over and over from the church, my family and friends is, “Don’t believe the lies, don’t believe the lies.” God, I get frustrated by the simplicity of that advice. How do I ignore the anxious ache I wake up into? How do I think clearly when shame punches me in the gut and all I want to do is not exist for that moment? How do I stop the rush of tears that come after certain thoughts while I am just sitting at work? How do I not believe the voice in my head that constantly whispers, “you are such a waste and everyone knows it” or the one that says “she is actually beautiful, you could never be.” In those moments Lord, those feelings are too real to think clearly, too real to remember what you said.
I know the devil is deceitful but God why aren’t you louder? Sometimes I get angry with you because I feel like you didn’t set us up for success. How can we not fall into believing lies when they are constantly being reinforced? The world reinforces the devil’s lies! You say that beauty does not come from outward adornment, but people in San Diego live for beach bods and likes on instagram. You say that you are enough, but I live in an anxious ache that yearns for more attention and love from people. Sometimes, I feel like you have just left us here, turned us loose to temptation and desire, all the while sitting up there waiting to see if we will choose you. Like putting chocolate cake inches from a toddler’s nose but then whispering in her ear, “don’t eat that, veggies are better for you.” That seems a little cruel to me. How have I lost a proper perspective of who you are so fast? How have I forgotten the cross? How has my anger blinded me to your love?
What training camp, being back in San Diego and life has revealed to me is that I am still not rooted in your truth. I am easily swayed by worldly wisdom. I am not the tree of life that Jeremiah talks about: “He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8.
I want to be the tree so bad, I don’t want to be anxious in the year of drought, I want to remain green. I have been asking for help for so long Lord. I have gone to counseling, been mentored, studied the word and surrounded myself with people who speak truth into me. Somehow, I am still far away from the stream, dying of thirst, wilting.
What is it going to take? When will those shaming voices be silenced? When will your truth be enough? When will the power of the cross REALLY transform how I view myself? Is it up to me? If it is God I am very discouraged, I cannot believe truth on my own, my feelings are too intense.
Please Lord intercede for me because the devil has a good foothold. Root me in your truth. I have been here so for long. I am so tired. I feel trapped. Trapped in my mind. Trapped in my feelings. Trapped in anger. Trapped in tears. Trapped on this earth. I want to believe the truth, I want your freedom, I want it but I can’t seem to get to it. Jesus I am at your feet once again.
All I have left is hope. I am hoping that even though I haven’t seen victory over these things that you were serious when you said you will complete things you start. Hoping that you were serious when you said we are your workmanship created to do good works. Hoping that you were serious when you said I am wonderfully made. Hoping that your were serious when you said you will wipe every tear from our eyes. Hoping that you were serious when you said you will never forsake us.”
-An Honest Daughter
