There was one specific moment a couple of months ago when it hit me how fast the world race is flying by. We had just switched teams and were on an overnight train to Da Nang, Vietnam. My old teammates were in different rooms with different people, my old team leader stayed back in Ho Chi Min City and I was off to a new ministry to meet all kinds of new people. I was sitting on a small red stool in a crammed hallway staring out the window listening to Take A Moment by Will Reagan.
I watched everything whizz by as the lyrics played over and over in my head, “Take a moment to remember, who God is and who I am, there you go lifting my load again.” I remember thinking, how is this month five?
I thought of something that reminds me a lot of the world race. When I lived in Germany, I remember sitting in the car with my sister and watching long trains pass outside our window. We would always compete to see who could count all of the cars on the train. I would press my nose up against the window and try my best to count them. I usually made it up to ten and then I would lose track of them and the train would whizz by in a big blur of color and motion.
I realized how similar that is to the world race. For the most part, I had the first few months processed and “accounted for.” I remembered everything, took enough pictures, shared awesome experiences with my team and filled my mom in on everything that the Lord had done that month. Each “car” on my world race train was counted. Then Vietnam happened and things began to blur. Vietnam was a busy month filled with amazing people and amazing experiences. I fell in love with a woman named Patricia, she became such a dear friend of mine. All of a sudden we were saying goodbye, traveling again and I was back on that train staring out a similar window watching similar sights whizz by.
We had a merry, yet hectic Christmas in Ho Chi Minh City together, spent the next four weeks on a beautiful compound in Ethiopia and here we are all of sudden in month seven living in a small Rwandan village on the side of a mountain.
Within the first couple of hours, I fell in love with Rwanda. Church here is amazing. Every church service we worship the Lord in one big mosh pit dance party. In the mornings, we teach an English class filled with 24 toddlers who will make your heart melt. Every afternoon, we walk around the village and share the gospel with different people along the way and invite them to church. We have already seen about ten people receive Christ. The Pastor we live with has a heart of gold. Our translator January brightens any room he enters. The landscape is breathtaking. Lush green farm land accented by the red Rwandan dirt. My heart is so full.
However, my love for Rwanda began to turn into pain and angst. Any time we were in church, with the kids or hanging out with January my heart felt heavy realizing how temporary this season is and how fast this is whizzing by. This is going to end, I am going to leave.
I sat down the other day trying to write a blog about Rwanda and could not organize any thought. I started to describe the joy of worship in church, but then switched to try to describe the sweet spirit of our translator and good friend January. I tried to recount all the times we saw God move in the hearts of the people here, but then switched to explain how precious each of the toddlers are in English class. I got so overwhelmed struggling to find words to articulate all of the things and took a break.
My mind started to feel scattered. I thought about Patricia again and how I never blogged about how wonderful she is. I thought about Parent Vision Trip. Both of my parents are coming to Rwanda in ten days. That morning we found out what we are doing next month in Bolivia.
I felt like everything was slipping through my fingers. All the people that I love, all the amazing things God has done. I could not seem to grab onto anything. Things are whizzing by one month after another. Soon the world race will be over and I will be back in San Diego. What. Wait, slow down.
I sat down feeling exasperated and just then out of nowhere I heard Jesus whisper to my heart, “Kim. Look at me.”
Instantly my thoughts quieted and my heart was still. I was listening to fear.
Time is running out. The world race is coming and going so fast. Grab onto what you can. Savor everything. Soak up every moment. Take every picture. You only have one more week with January. Love everyone as hard and as much as you can. Soon you will have to leave this place again. You don’t have what you need. You don’t have enough. You will be alone.
Last month in Ethiopia we watched The Shack. There is a point where the main character Mack is in a boat in the middle of the lake where his son almost lost his life. All of a sudden the water starts to turn black all around him. He starts to panic when the bottom of the boat breaks and the black water seeps into the boat. The character who represents Jesus calls his name and says, “Mack! Look at me! This is not real, this is in your head! Look at me!” When he finally does, he is brought back to reality and notices that the boat is completely safe.
That scene was really powerful for me. It gave me a visual picture of what fear does to my heart when I focus on it. It creates angst and leaves me feeling in need. It spreads and becomes larger and larger when I try to quiet it on my own.
I felt Jesus continue to whisper in my ear. “Look at me Kim. Just look at me.” Fearful thoughts began to change to the comforting voice of Jesus.
Kim, I love you so much. I am always with you. The real fear of your heart is that you will be alone. But I promise you, I am always with you. And my goodness is always with you. Remember that I am behind all of the good things that you love. I am what gives January his joyful spirit. I am the beauty behind those toddlers in the English class. Grab onto me. The love and goodness your heart craves is my presence and my presence goes with you everywhere. It was with you even before the world race even began. Remember the blessings of your college years. When you were so scared of where to live your sophomore year, I pulled together a house of six amazing girls for you. The world race is not the climax of your life. It is an amazing year filled with adventure and I love enjoying every month with you. However, remember that my love is abundant and is never runs dry. I am the thing that you crave. I have blessing and goodness in store for you even directly after the world race. I go with you always. Just rest and enjoy the blessings of this year. Enjoy everyday with me Kim. I am right here and I love you so much.
Even typing those prayers tears well in my eyes. The Lord is so trustworthy and so safe. He is so patient and kind. There is no reason to fear.
There was one moment this past week that I will never forget. In an effort to invite a lot of people to church, Pastor John asked us to sing a worship song at a local market. On our walk to the market we attracted about ten children who grabbed our hands and followed us there. I was given a tiny stool to sit on and my team stood around me. More people began to crowd as I tuned the guitar. I looked up and saw maybe 50 Rwandan eyes staring at me and I began to play Take A Moment. We sang those same lyrics from the train and I looked around and saw a ton of wide eyes staring down at me. After we sang the song, Pastor John began to preach the gospel and more people crowded.
I remember looking around at all the people and laughing at how crazy life had just become. I could barely move a muscle sitting on that small stool below the crowd of people. I looked directly in front of me and there was a young girl I hadn’t noticed before staring right at me. She was beautiful and so tiny. We locked eyes and she did not blink. Everything above and around me became still. We stared at each other for several minutes. Thinking back, I saw the presence of Jesus in her eyes. It reminded me again of how close Jesus is. He doesn’t always shout to get my attention but when I take the time to look at him, he has never left his position. He is directly in front of me giving me his full attention, comfort, love and peace.
Here is a picture of that little girl.
If you love me and keep my commands. And I will ask the Father and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever – the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:15-18
I don’t know if I will ever be able to accurately describe how thankful I am that I am here living this life for a year. To all of my supporters, thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart for believing in the mission that the Lord called me to and allowing me to do what I absolutely love; sharing the love of Jesus around the world. This month specifically, I feel overcome with thanksgiving and gratitude. I am almost brought to tears every morning as I sit on our small footstep just outside the door, gaze out at the green mountain and try to find words of praise that articulate how full my heart feels.
I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him. Philippians 3:7-9
Here are a few kids from our English class:
Here I am in a Rwandan church preaching the gospel Pastor Keating style. All you EFCC’ers know what I mean. I miss you Church family! Thank you all for your support. Shout out to Families in Faith. I love and miss you guys.
See LINK.
