I want to share something God has spoken so clearly to me this past week.
Psalm 34. David is on the run. He has defeated Goliath and is being pursued by a jealous and angry Saul. He tried to find a resting place for the night in the city of Gath but quickly realized it would not be safe there. He faked insanity in front of King Abimelech and was driven out. David found a resting place for the night (something like a cave) and writes Psalm 34.
I listened to a sermon on this Psalm one morning after waking up in a state of fear. The sermon was titled In Search of Peace and Security.
Vulnerability time. Searching for safety and security is a huge part of my testimony. Imagine dropping a toddler off at a daycare for the first time, what happens? The child usually cries. Some children are better at separating from their mother or father and some really struggle.
Here is a major crash course on attachment styles. There are three attachment styles. The first is secure attachment: the child see the mother as a safe place but feels comfortable separating from her to explore and learn. The second is avoidant attachment: the child is content to explore new environments without a need to return to the mother for security. The third is anxious attachment: the child has a very hard time exploring new environments without the mother near for comfort and security. I remember seeing all three of these when I worked at a YMCA daycare.
The anxiously attached children really struggle separating from their mother. They need help finding relief from their anxiety. They usually seek it in one of the adults. They want to be held, comforted and consoled. They want to be picked up and usually respond well to being told, “Hey sweetie, look. It is safe down there. Look at those toys, look at those crayons, doesn’t that look like fun? Do you like to color? There is nothing to be afraid of. I am here, I will stay with you the whole time. Let’s go together, I will draw with you.”
Eventually those children adjust to the environment, walk in without crying and maybe even grab a coloring sheet on their own.
In a healthy process of development, new environments become less traumatizing. The child establishes their own sense of security and they can experience new things with little to no anxiety.
I am going to be embarrassingly honest and say I still feel something very similar to an anxiously attached toddler even at the age of 22. Toddler Kim is still inside of me longing to be comforted and consoled. My stomach will hurt, my chest will tighten, my arms feel heavy and uncontrollable tears well in my eyes. It feels like my foundation is shaken, I need a safe place to stand, I need comfort, I need someone to pick me up and show me that everything is okay, things are safe.
This is something I have fought to understand my entire life. It is never a fear of physical safety, but something more foundational. Those children aren’t afraid for their physical safety, they long for relational/emotional safety.
Sometimes I understand exactly why I feel unsafe, examples include: moving into a college dorm with a roommate that I have never met, living next to neighbors who bang on the wall and cuss at their video game at night, waking up in the middle of the night to a sound that startles me, experiencing a falling out with a friend.
Other times there will be no tangible rhyme or reason for my anxious heart, examples include: sitting in a room full of squad-mates who all love the Lord but feeling alone and shaken, sitting at my dining room table in the home I grew up in with a restless stomach ache, waking up in the morning scattered and fearful.
To completely honest, I HATE this part of me. I am so embarrassed by it. It is so frustrating, limiting and repetitive. It feels so weak, so childish, so exaggerated, so silly.
For many years I have sought safety in people. Just like that toddler found an adult to help her feel safe in the daycare, I seek safety in a person. I can look back through stages of life and even name those people. There is nothing wrong with feeling safe in relationships, but mine was exaggerated. This provided temporary security, but never the kind that lasts.
Back to David. David is on the run from a vicious enemy who wants to take him out. I cannot imagine the fear and anxiety that David had to face not even having a safe place to rest his head. How does he handle this? Where does he find rest and comfort? The answer is in the first couple of verses:
Verses 1-3
I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!
The pastor preaching the sermon on this Psalm said, “The remedy of our fear is a deeper fear of the Lord.”
Listening to more of the sermon I was really convicted to change the way I pray. I always lay my fear down before the Lord, but in doing that I have accidentally made my fear my focus. When my fear is my focus, there is no hope. When I chose to praise the Lord, my focus is flooded with hope.
The Psalm goes on to say,
I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
Is my face radiant or is it ashamed?
The pastor went on to say “Sometimes our fear is a multiplication of what we need and not what we TRUST. We don’t cast our fears on a good Father because we have forgotten that He is indeed that. Darkness and shame is reserved for those who only follow their fears and don’t follow Him. The ones who look to Him are radiant and free of shame.”
Wow.
After hearing that, I felt the Lord ask me to remember him.
I began to remember Him. I remembered that he brought me to Nepal, a place I never thought I would travel to. I remembered that he gave me 49 new friends that love me as I am. I remembered that His perfect love casts out fear. I remembered the times when I was trapped in fear in college and He delivered me. I remembered He blessed me with the best roommates this past year when I did not know where I would live. I remembered that He provided the funds for me to come on this race. I remembered that He is the God of all resources. I remembered that He is all knowing. I remember that He knows every hair on my head. I remembered that He loves me with a love that I can never fathom. I remembered that He desires to know me. I remembered that He leaves the 99 to find me. I remembered that He has gone before me and claimed victory over all my fears. I remembered that hope will not be put to shame. I remembered that every good thing comes from above. I remembered that I can trust him with my desires. I remembered that His yoke is easy and His burden light. I remembered that I am a terrible God of my own life. I remembered that He is gracious to me when I try to rule over my own life. I remembered that the only reason I know how to love is because He first loved us. I remembered that He sent his son to die on a cross that I might be able to know Him. I remembered that I am sealed by the blood of Christ to spend all of eternity with Him.
I realized the list could go on forever. I realized that my list of praise exceeds my list of fear. I realized that no matter what, there is always a reason to praise the Lord.
The pastor spoke about the cross. Jesus came to earth and rescued us from our biggest fear, separation from God forever. If he has saved us from the most terrifying fear of all, is he not trustworthy with the day to day fears? Is he not trustworthy?
Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!
The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Come, O children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
There was one morning during worship when one our our leaders shared a picture she had received from God. She got a picture of a snail that was crawling in a desert alone and desperate for relief. She shared how the picture zoomed out and the desert was actually crevices of the Father’s hand. The Lord wanted her to remind us that we can not wander too far out of the grasp of our Father’s perfect, sovereign love. She reminded us not to live zoomed in on the snail where our perspective is of the desert but zoom out and remember the Father.
That spoke so clear to me. Even when I feel like four year old Kim, scared, alone, ashamed, and weak, I have a Father who will always pick me up and whisper to me, “Daughter, look. It is safe here, look at the people I have surrounded you with, look at my creation I am blessing you with. It is safe because I am behind it all. There is nothing to be afraid of, let’s go together. Give me your fears, give me your desires, give me your shame, accept my love, accept my safety and remember me.”
I feel SO challenged to change my focus. Change my focus onto things eternal. When I look to Him I ALWAYS find hope, love, peace and security. And I feel SO PASSIONATE about other people knowing this! SO MANY PEOPLE don’t even know that they are hoping in the wrong thing! So many people live in the exhaustion of misguided hope. Offering hope is why I breathe, I want everyone to know how much God wants to comfort and console their deepest pain. Hugging those children, I pray hope into their hearts. Looking in the eyes of the women who work in a cabin restaurant, selling their bodies, I pray hope into their souls. Thank you Lord that hope will not be put to shame.
Readers, what are we focusing on? Are we zoomed in on the snail in the desert? Or are we zoomed out remembering how perfectly loving our Father is and how we can never escape his grasp? Are we focusing on the parts of ourself that we need to fix? Or are we focused on the mercy and grace of Jesus that already bought and paid for those parts on the cross? Are we focusing on what we can get in this world or are we praising the Lord for what he has already done for us? Are we angry at God for our lack of understanding? Or are we trusting that he is perfectly loving, just, merciful, sovereign and holy? Are we remembering him? Guys, I feel fired up about this. I have been misguided in my prayer life for so long.
David remembered him in the scariest part of his life. When he had no earthly refuge, he remembered HIM. Instead of praying for an earthly refuge, I will praise my Father for the eternal refuge I have in him.
I read Psalm 34 every morning an choose to bless the Lord because he is worthy of it. I can always find a reason to praise the Lord. He saved me from being separate from the Father who offers what my heart truly needs. One day we will be with him in perfect communion again.
The ending challenge of the sermon was to make this our prayer: I will bless you at all times, your praise will ever be on my lips. Help me where trust seems impossible.”
Please pray that prayer over my heart as I continue to run this race!
Thank you for praying for our ministry in Nepal. We have traveled to temples, buildings and areas of the city that need prayer. We walk around those areas and pray in order to bring the light of Christ in those areas. We have gone into the streets and shared the gospel with people that the Lord reveals to us in the moment. We have brought Jesus into the slums through singing, dancing and playing with children. We have prayed over hurting women in the slums with physical ailments. We have gone to cabin restaurants where women work as a service to men and offered our friendship to them. We have bonded as a squad through spending one hour everyday with the Lord and sharing how his glory is being shown through our ministry. We have battled sickness, discouragement and doubt but through it all, his praise will ever be on our lips.
