Christian and Afraid

Wow, what can I say? I am stunned at God’s faithfulness to me in this fundraising process.  I am 62% funded, holy cow. Previous world racers and good friends always encouraged me by saying, “God will provide.” Momentarily that provided peace, but then the fear and doubt crept back in. That exhausting voice of guilt that says, “you are not doing enough” got even louder.  

However when I look at my fundraising story so far, it really has been GOD. I had predictions about how this process would go and a tentative game plan, but all in all I can take no credit for “doing enough” to have gotten me to the place I am. I have been obedient in sending out letters, posting on Facebook, scheduling fundraisers and talking to people about it, but God has left me stunned. The majority of funding has come from people I had never expected to give, churches in different states and anonymous donors. 

Meanwhile, these past few months God has been teaching me a lot about how to deal with fear and anxiety.  Fear and anxiety have always been a part of my story and the surprising blessings of fundraising are one of the main ways God has been uprooting those things. Here are two things I have learned these past months when dealing with fear:

 1. Don’t try to control it. 

I learned that control is a common reaction for me when fear strikes. I will control whatever I can to try to get to a place of certainty and peace. The best example in my life are my finances. Right now I want to be certain about my financial picture in 2018. Being aware that I have no idea what 2018 looks like, I vigorously control what I can now.  What am I spending, what am I saving, is it enough, am I secure? The reality is, things could happen tomorrow that would ruin me financially despite all the planning and saving. A tree could fall on my car and take a chunk out of my savings I rely so heavily on or someone could commit fraud and take everything I have. The control I think I have is an illusion. I am not God, yet I try to control everything like I am. No wonder why my heart grows anxious, it was not created to carry the things that I try to force it to carry. I love how paradoxical life with Christ is: gaining peace means letting go of control. “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” -Matthew 16:25. There is so much freedom in letting my heart do what it was created to: worship God. It is not bad to plan, but I want my heart to be in a position of obedience that acknowledges my earthly limitations and remembers God’s character and promises. That is the route to freedom. A passage that keeps me grounded in this area is Matthew 6:31-33:

 “So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

2. Don’t pretend that it does not exist. 

I found a lot of freedom in acknowledging the actual reality of my heart. I am afraid, a lot. I struggle to trust God with a lot of things. I used to get mad at myself and ask, “Why can’t you trust God? Hasn’t he been faithful enough? Why do you need another example of how loving God is? Why are you still afraid?” There was so much healing and freedom that came from being patient with myself and acknowledging my fear no matter how many times I had to. I found that even after the millionth time I acknowledged that same fear before God, I found peace because I was focusing on him. Of course it is challenging to trust God! We do not know everything that he does! All we have to do is turn on the news for too long and a fresh fear can start to stir in our hearts about the future, finances, health etc. My prayers changed from, “I am trying so hard to trust you” to “God I don’t trust you right now, can you build a confidence back up in my heart that you are perfectly good because my heart is weary.” God has shown me the joy in bringing my fear to him versus telling myself to stop feeling it. There is joy in bringing my fear to God because I end up in the presence of God. I am reminded of who he is and my heart changes. I change from a worldly perspective to a heavenly perspective, from fearing to worshiping. The first step to trusting God is recognizing that I don’t! One of my favorite passages that captures this idea is David’s cry in Psalm 13:

 “How long, LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the LORD’s praise, for he has been good to me.”

And to the people who donated, thank you truly from the bottom of my heart.