Throughout this journey I have often found myself constantly thinking what if. This has been the toughest process I have ever had to go through. When people told me you will really realize how much God is in control I thought to myself I already know he is in control of everything, but did I really? I never realized how much I relied on people, and myself to make me happy, to strengthen me, to spiritually motivate me, to support me in general. I didn’t realize that until God slowly started taking those people away. Friendships don’t seem to be what they used to, relationships with people in general just all seem broken. Now in this moment I’ve realized how dependent I’ve been on everyone else other than God, when he should be the only person I am dependent on. Today has been my toughest day yet. Most people wouldn’t know this because I try to hide my emotion and not let it get the best of me, but today has been rough. I’ve had thoughts of doubt, felt disappointment in myself, and even doubted God’s plan for my life. Today felt like I had officially hit rock bottom. I’ve constantly been asking myself What if: what if I don’t meet my deadlines, what if situations with my family don’t work like I want them to, what if I can’t make it 11 months without my mom, what if I don’t get to go on this mission trip that I feel more led to than anything in my entire life… what will that look like. Did I do enough? Did I talk to enough people, did I pray enough. Have I done everything God has asked me to do. My answer to that is No, I can never pray enough, I could never talk to enough people, and there is always something I don’t want to do that I know God wants me to do. I am making a promise to myself tonight that I will continue to pray, I will continue to trust God even when in this moment it seems impossible. I will continue to share my heart with people, because I know there is someone somewhere who will be touched by my words. With all of that being said… will you pray for me? Will you pray that God will continue to show me that he is in control, and that he’s already got this all worked out. Pray that I will trust my heart in knowing I am exactly on the path God has chosen for me. I can’t wait to share the love of Jesus Christ with this entire world! This is not something I would have ever chosen for myself which is exactly why I know God’s got me in the palm of his hands right now!!
I am working to meet my next deadline of 10,000 dollars which is due in about a month!! Every dollar counts and is very much appreciated!
