I don’t even know where to begin this blog… I am still in a state of shock and heartbreak that I am no longer going to be launching with #KSquad in August…
While this blog is about what happened at Training Camp, know that I will not give away any details about Camp incase future racers are reading this, because Camp was one of the best and toughest things that happened to me.
It was the 1st full day of Training Camp when I realized that I hadn’t fully dealt with my eating disorder – I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I have had some of the tendencies that go along with having one – When in new situations with a lot of people that I do not know, I tend not to eat very much or at all, but as soon as I get to know people and start to feel more comfortable I am able to eat normally. That first day of Camp I found myself not eating a lot at breakfast and then even less at lunch (300ish campers in one big dining tent), after lunch I heard God say to me that I needed to go talk to someone on my training team before session, but I didn’t because I wasn’t ready to let anyone know that I was struggling with eating again (I had been going to counseling and honestly thought I had a good handle on my eating disorder, but this was the first time I have been in a situation with food and a lot of people I didn’t know). What we talked about in that afternoon session hit me and I knew I needed to talk to someone about how I had been struggling with eating while at Camp… so during one of the breaks I asked one of my trainers if we could have some one on one time to chat about some things. After session we went on a walk and it was hard to tell her what happened, but as soon as she told me that she wasn’t there to judge me and that she only wanted the best for me, I was able to tell her that I had been struggling with eating and that I hadn’t been eating very much while at Camp. She gave me a task to spend some time with God figuring out what my triggers with eating are and to write down the lies I have been telling myself and ask God to reveal the truth so I could begin to speak life and truth over my life instead of death and lies and she also asked me to share with some of my squad-mates so that they could be aware and hold me accountable. I will admit that I struggled with the task she gave me and couldn’t come up with anything, so I went about the rest of my day not really thinking about it.
The day of our timed 3-mile hike was a tough one… What was talked about in session that morning hit me hard, it was tied to things I had been struggling with, but I still found myself not eating very much, even though I needed to so I could have the strength to complete the hike. KSquad had our hike in the afternoon (right after lunch) and I was worried, but also excited to complete the task given to us to hike 3 miles in 50 minutes. All along the way I had faith that I would make it with plenty of time to spare, but as we got towards the end, one of the serve team members asked what the earliest anyone in the group had left and I had left in the first group at 1:30 so he said that we had 6 minutes to make it back to the pavilion and successfully complete the hike in the time limit, it was then that I became worried that I wouldn’t make it, so I ran about 5 – 10 feet to try and make up some time, but couldn’t run very far because my legs were so worn out. I had then decided that I would just pick up my pace a little bit, by the time I got back to the Adventures In Missions campus I had 3 minutes to make it down to the pavilion to complete the hike, at this moment I stopped watching the time and was just focused on making it down to the pavilion. When I made it down to the pavilion I handed them my card that had my name and start time and walked away, because I didn’t want to know my time right away. When I was finally ready to know how I had done on the hike, I was walking over to my mobilizer to get my time when my Squad Mentor and Squad Leader asked if they could talk to me… they then gave me the news that I had missed time by ONE minute!! They told me about how I would have a chance to redo the hike the next day but that they weren’t worried about it because I had only missed by one minute… but I was so disappointed in myself that I had missed the time by ONE minute, and all these thoughts began to run through my mind – If had just eaten a little more I would’ve made time! If I had trained a little more I would’ve made time! I am a disappointment! And some others I can’t remember. When we got back to the campsite it was revealed to us what our sleeping scenario would be for the night I was not very happy about it… and one of the trainers recognized that I was having a tough time and asked if I wanted to talk about it, so we went on a little walk away from the rest of the squad and I opened up to her about how I was disappointed in myself that I didn’t make time and that I had been struggling with eating while at Camp. She then gave me the same tasks that my other trainer had given me, and again I struggled with the task and didn’t put a lot of effort into it. That night in session we talked about another topic that hit me square in the face and I was struggling with the task that was given to us and went up to the trainer I had talked to earlier that day and told her that I needed prayer because I was stuck on the task that was given to us. As she was praying over me (I don’t remember exactly what she prayed about) I saw an image of myself with some really high walls built up… I didn’t realize that I had built such high walls; I knew I had walls but I didn’t realize how high/thick they were. I had built those walls to keep out hurt, but what I didn’t realize until my trainer was praying over me is that with those walls I was also keeping out love. After she was done praying over me I shared what I had seen and prayed that God would begin to help me tear down those walls so I could allow people in to love me. After we were done praying, she shared that while I was praying for God to help me tear down those walls she saw an animal with a hard exoskeleton shedding it, but instead of remaining the same she saw it turning into a beautiful butterfly.
The next day I had my redo fitness hike, but this time they took us somewhere else. Before the hike, we had a session… I swear it was like God was telling the Adventures staff my story, because again the session was so applicable to me and what I was dealing with at Camp!! After the session we had check ins with one of the trainers and I shared how I had eaten a little better but not much and that I was still disappointed in myself for not making time on the hike the previous day and that I was super nervous for the redo hike that afternoon. She then asked what some of the lies I was telling myself were – I’m not loved, I’m not beautiful, I’m not worthy – then she asked me where I thought these lies were coming from, and I said it came from the fact that I never felt loved by my dad, he never told me I was beautiful, and that when he remarried he chose his wife and her family over us. Then she asked me what God thought of me, and I told her that He loved me, He thought I was beautiful, and that I am worth it, and she made me say it again… and when I repeated it, it hit me that I was basing my worth on expectations that were unattainable by any human and that I needed to base my worth on what God has to say… before I knew it, it was time to leave for the redo hike, and I was feeling confident that I would make it in time. When we got to where we were going for the hike I put on worship music and put in my headphones so that I could focus on making time… I again didn’t make time, but this time I felt peace about it, which was surprising to me because I had ended up with a worse time then the original hike. I know that this peace could only be coming from God. When we got back I was late to Squad time and honestly just wanted to go take a shower, but my Squad Mentor wanted me to stay and be present with the squad even if I didn’t participate (I didn’t because I was so exhausted) and she could tell that I was struggling and had one of the trainers go talk with me outside and we had a good conversation and she said that she could see that I was in a better place and that she was proud that I was in a good headspace. Later that night I had to have a conversation with my Squad Mentor about not making time again… and while we did talk about not making time she said that it wasn’t about not making time again and that she had other concerns surrounding the fact that I hadn’t been eating very much. We had a really good but tough conversation about where I was at and how she still had some concerns about weather or not The Race would be a healthy environment for me at this time, and because she still had concerns she needed to talk to her boss and would get back with me later… she found me right before our sleeping scenario and told me that my Squad Coach wanted to talk with all of us the next day so she could get a better grasp of what was going on.
The next day was Women’s Day and I would say it was by far the toughest day of Camp. There were things that were brought up in sessions that I didn’t realize I was struggling with. In the morning we had a physical challenge and were split up into groups and had to work together to complete the task that was given to us. There were some parts that I was unable to complete, and when I couldn’t, my team was right there willing to step in and help me out. When we had completed the task we had a debrief with our Squad Mentor and Squad Coach, and during debrief I said that I had felt disappointed in myself that I couldn’t complete some of the task, and everyone immediately said that I shouldn’t feel disappointed because I didn’t give up right away, I always tried one more time to complete the task. We all agreed that we worked well together and had good communication throughout the task. After the task was over I went with our Mentor and Coach into the Lodge building to have the conversation with them about what I had been dealing with while at Camp. The conversation was tough but good and I left the meeting feeling good about them still wanting me on the Race but also wanting me to be successful. I was also given a task by my Squad Coach to spend time journaling with God an finding out what the triggers were behind my eating disorder, and that they were going to check in with me the next morning to see how I was doing – by this time I had already been given this task twice before and had struggled with figuring out what my triggers were. After lunch I went to the side of the training center and sat down with my journal, but before I began I asked God to reveal what my triggers were and told him that I didn’t care how long it took and that I would sit there all day if it took that long, but it didn’t take long. Before I knew it I had 3 triggers written down, and then I began to talk to one of the girls on my squad who was sitting by me and while we were talking God revealed to me another trigger. Then it was time to go to session and I knew I was at a place where I could stop and go to session and then come back and spend more time with God figuring out my triggers. Little did I know what I was about to walk into… that session was about the first two triggers I had written down, and in that moment I knew they had come from God and weren’t just from what I thought could possibly be my triggers. That night we had a Squad only session that revealed some things I didn’t realize I hadn’t dealt with from my past… it was a session where we had the chance to see that we weren’t alone in some of the things that we were struggling with, at the end of the session we circled up to pray and while our Squad Mentor was praying I began to cry because I was so filled with emotions from the day, after she was done praying I stayed in the training center for a while to process through the things of the day that were brought up. I had so many of the girls on my squad come over and want to pray over me because I was having such a rough time. Before I knew it, it had been an hour and I was finally ready to leave, while I was grabbing my things our Mentor came over and asked if she could give me a hug because she could tell that I had a rough time and wanted me to know that she was happy with the steps I was taking towards healing.
The next morning before breakfast the three of us got together and I shared what I had come up with as my triggers, and I felt like it was a good and successful meeting, and they gave me a task to ask God if there were any parts of my story that he wanted to take me back to and reveal some truths. While sitting at the breakfast table after finishing I saw two of our trainers walking down (which was weird, because they normally don’t do that) and one of the said “I need to talk to you” so we stepped away from the table and she told me that I needed to be behind the training center by 9am to meet with our Squad Mentor, I immediately became nervous but my wonderful table of girls prayed over me and I felt at peace… but I was not prepared for what was about to happen! I cleaned up my spot and took my chair up to the training center and went behind to wait, next thing I knew I was in a room in the other half of the training center being told that I was just not ready to go on the World Race in August and that they were going to get me on a flight home that afternoon. This was such a shock to me, because I had honestly felt like I this was where I was supposed to be in the next season of life. They explained that they needed me to go see a licensed Christian counselor to help me work through and heal from things in my past related to my eating disorder. They then asked if I had any questions, and they only question I had was if I could say goodbye in person to my Squad and some of the trainers, but they explained that logistically they didn’t know if they could make it happen, because they day was pretty full and the trainers were in meetings. They then got a different trainer (not one of mine) to walk me up to out campsite to get my stuff, and on the way I got to see some of my squad-mates and tell them in person that a decision had been made that I was just not ready to go on the World Race in August and that they were sending me home, and a lot of them prayed for me to have a peace that I have never felt before and that they wished the best for me in what was to come. After we got my things and made it back to the room where I was to wait for my ride to the airport. As I was waiting My Squad Mentor and one of my trainers came in so I could say goodbye to them and they told me that they were so proud of the progress I had made in the past few days. My Squad Mentor then told me that she truly did want to see me back when the time was right because she does feel like the World Race would be good for me, but that she just wanted me to go get the healing I needed to I could handle the stressful and unpredictable environment of the World Race in a healthy way, and that they don’t tell everyone that they want to see them back. A little while later the last trainer that I wanted to say goodbye to came by and we had a good conversation and she told me to make sure to keep pressing into deeper and deeper intimacy with God
I did know going into Camp that it was a final “interview” and that there was the possibility that they could decide I wasn’t ready… I just never thought it would actually happen to me! While I do wish I would’ve found out sooner in Camp that I wouldn’t be launching in August, I also realize that if I had gone home sooner I wouldn’t have had the growth and realizations that happened in the later days I was there. I am so so so thankful for the wonderful people I met at Camp and for the FamBam!! I love each and every one of them and miss them so much!!
Right now it’s hard to see the light at the end of this and I don’t know where I go from here, but I do know that with God I WILL make it through… even if he has to carry me at times!!
The Lord replied:
“My precious child, I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.”
~ Mary Stevenson (Footprints in the Sand)
To My KSquad Fam Bam – I love you guys more than words could ever express!! I miss each and every one of you like nobody’s business! I am praying for you guys as you get ready to travel to 11 different countries and share God’s love with everyone you meet!! I know I was meant to be apart of this squad for the time I was, because you guys showed me so so so much love and I learned so much from the time I was at Camp, and for that I will be forever grateful!! I am following each and every single one of your journeys and I wish all of you the best!!
To the women on my Training Team (Courtney, Stacy, Lindsey, Ashley, Katie, Ruanne, Alys, Casey) – I want to thank each and every one of you for loving on me and pouring into me in the time I was at Camp! I didn’t get the chance to connect with all of you, but know that I am so beyond thankful for the opportunity to have meet you guys and share my story! I know that the decision for me to leave Camp early and not launch in August was not made quickly or without guidance from the Father, and I also know that in making this decision you truly do have my best interest at heart and want the best for me! I can’t wait till I do get to launch, and see all of you again!!
I have been asked a few times about the money that I have raised so far and what will happen to it since I am not launching in August as originally planned… I do not know for sure, but I do think it will stay in my account until I am ready to resume fundraising and launch… I will be having a conversation with someone about that within the week and will update once I know for sure
