This is not the blog I was going to share with you all this week, in fact I had a whole other blog written and ready to be shared, but God told me I needed to share this one instead (maybe at some point I’ll share the other one).
Towards the beginning of my World Race, I shared that I was battling the lies from the enemy that I don’t belong and I am a failure (along with a few others – maybe another blog to come on those)… and while I would love to say I have overcome those lies and no longer believe them, I would be lying to you and also if that were the case I wouldn’t be writing a blog about Vulnerability.
At the end of month one/beginning of month two my squad came together at a hostel for a little thing called debrief – a time a rest and a time to be all together with our whole leadership team to talk about how the previous month(s) were. During debrief it became clear that I was still believing the lies of the enemy that I don’t belong, that I am unworthy, that I am a failure (this one actually became clear a few days into being at our ministry site for this month), and that I am unlovable.
Lie #1 – I don’t belong
This lie actually goes back to the time right before launch. At Training Camp (10 days in GA at the Adventures Office learning all the things) we were put into our first teams for The Race and I was so excited that I was put on a coed team, because back home I work with all women and live with just my mom, so a coed team was going to be a nice break from the all women atmosphere I lived in. After team formations the men went off on their man hike and us women stayed back at Camp and did physical stuff and were given the opportunity to get real open, honest and vulnerable with each other. When the men returned the next day we were given the opportunity to go out into the community and do ministry together, make a memory, and come up with a team name. My team and I did all of that and then headed back to Camp where we would spend the next couple of days finishing up our training and then headed home for a couple of months before launch… It was during this in between time when things changed and the enemy began to plant the lie that I don’t belong
A few weeks prior to launch my Squad Mentor, Stacy, texted me and asked if I had time to chat with her about something… in my mind I immediately went to “oh no, they decided that I’m still not ready for this and aren’t going to let me launch!” but then God quickly shut that down and showed me that I was overreacting because Stacy hadn’t said she needed to talk to me right away, she had just asked to talk to me at some point that day. I was at work at when Stacy had texted, so we decided that I would let her know when I went on my lunch break and we would chat then. When Stacy called me she wanted me to pray and seek God’s guidance on me switching teams , because we had two girls from the same team decide after TC not to launch with us and that left their team with only four girls. My team (at that time) had 7 people on it, so it made logical sense (I had to think of the logicalness of it all) for me to be the one to make the move to the new team. Within an hour of talking with Stacy I had decided that I would make the switch and then within an hour of making that decision God gave me a ton of peace about making the switch. From the moment Stacy announced the switch to my new team I felt nothing but loved and welcomed by them, but that doesn’t mean the enemy wasn’t able to plant those seeds of feeling like I didn’t belong.
There were times throughout month one when I found myself on the “outside looking in” and at times it felt like it was the four of them plus me – which I can now see was the enemy wanting to create division in our team because he knows we are going to do great thing for The Kingdom – and I think part of the reason it sometimes feels like the four of them plus me is because of our team name. You see, at TC each team is given an afternoon to go out to make a memory and come up with a team name, but when I joined The Voyaging Daughters, we didn’t come up with a team name and just stuck with the one that they came up with at TC.
A couple of days ago, I came to my team and told them that I was still struggling to feel like I belonged with them and that I felt like it was because of our name and how it wasn’t a name that the five of us came up with, but that it was the name they had come up with together (along with the other two girls who didn’t launch with us). So I asked them if they could pray about coming up with a new team name all together, but to my surprise they all agreed right then and there that it would be a good idea. They even said that they didn’t even think of that being an issue, but could see where I was coming from… We are still in the process of coming up with our new team name, but I will update you as soon as I know!
Lie #2 – I am a failure
There have been a couple times on this journey that I have felt like a failure.
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We did an ATL (Ask The Lord) walk back in Indonesia and at the end my team wanted to head home, but I felt like God was telling me to keep going because he had something he wanted to show me. It was hard being the only one that wanted to keep going when the rest of the team wanted to head home (also tied to lie #1 since I was the only one who wanted to keep going). Jenny ended up continuing on with me because it was dark and we couldn’t be out alone after dark (#buddysystem), we ended up walking down to the mall and back. I had hoped to come back with this great story of what God had done, but instead I came home empty handed and it made me feel like I had failed my team (I thought they were expecting this grand story as well) because I was so insistent on continuing on when they all wanted to head home.
I didn’t fail that night, because all God wanted me to do was listen to him and do what he told me to do, and I did just that.
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The other night we sat down as a team for an hour of blogging time. During that time I sat and stared at my computer screen for 45 minutes hoping that something would come to me, but nothing did. At the end of that time Holly (our team story leader) asked to see what we had been working on, so I told her that I had nothing.
Holly then came over and sat by and asked why I didn’t have her come over sooner to help me try and come up with something to blog about for this week. I told her that I was just hoping it would come to me, but it never did. She then asked what God had been doing in me since I last posted a blog (he’s been doing A LOT) but I told her I wasn’t ready to share what he has been up to (but look at how well that turned out since here I am writing this blog). I then told Holly that I felt like a failure to which she asked me who I thought I was failing… Me, all of you back home reading this blog, and Holly (her job is to make sure we are writing blogs and posting them each week), because I haven’t updated my blog in two weeks.
I would love to say that these are the only two lies I have been struggling with and that they no longer hold power over me, but that isn’t the case (and that is ok). I will continue to take these lies and the others to God and allow him to help me see the truth so that I can more easily combat the lies that the enemy continues to speak to me.
FUNDRAISING UPDATE!!!!
I am currently at $12,222 fundraised, but I need to be at $13,000 ($778) by Wednesday the 28th! I would love it if you would consider partnering with me by making a donation to my World Race!! If you so choose to support me you can do so by clicking on the “Donate” link at the top of this page!!
Also we don’t have WiFi as readily available to us this month, so I’m not sure how often I’ll be able to update you!!
<3 Kimberly
