Some days on the Race it just doesn’t seem worth it… Today is one of those days.
I miss my family.
I miss my friends.
I miss my clothes.
I miss my dog.
I miss my bed.
I miss my car.
I miss American food.
I miss southern cooking, accents, and sweet tea.
I miss feeling clean.
I miss having space to be alone.
I miss having my mom to hold me when I cry.
I miss the way my best friends make me laugh.
I miss picking up the phone and being able to talk to anyone I can think of.
I miss going to the lake in the summer.
I miss being able to do whatever I want when ever I want.
I’m missing childhood friends’ weddings.
I’m missing best friends and family members’ birthdays and
engagements.
I let go of so many things to come on the World Race. Month 1, the Lord called me to abandon everything I had left behind and trust it in His capable hands.
I never thought I’d have to surrender it all again. I didn’t expect to have to resurrender everything I’d already given up 6 months ago.
Yet here I am, thousands of miles away from home, out of reach from all of the things I miss most.
Today, I’m physically, spiritually, and emotionally exhausted.
I’m tired of being uncomfortable. I’m tired of being filthy.
I’m tired of sleeping in a tent.
I’m tired of eating rice and lettuce two times a day every day.
I’m tired of having no running water.
I’m tired of wearing the same clothes for the past 7 months.
I’m tired of cutting trees with machetes, hoeing and raking grass, and burning leaves for ministry.
I’m tired of packing everything I own into a backpack 2- 5 times a month.
I’m tired of never getting a full nights sleep because of spiritual warfare going on in the night.
I’m tired of constantly having to be spiritually aware of my surroundings.
I’m tired of praying without ceasing.
Days like today I’m reminded I’m weak and human. I place high value on things that make me feel comfortable and lesser value on the strength of the Lord.
When I feel like I can’t go another day I tell myself. “There is no going back, there is only going forward.” or “The only way out is through.”
I struggle the most on days like these because it doesn’t seem okay to not be okay. I should be constantly grateful for the incredible opportunity I have been given. I have dreamt of this day for years and am finally living my dream, so why cant I be happy? I tell myself to toughen up and be strong. When none of these are good enough, I’m thankful that when I am weak, He is strong.
Even in writing this blog I kept feeling like i needed a joyful ending to be able to post it. The decision I’ve landed upon is that we don’t always need to experience the resurrection before we can show our death. I know that the resurrection is coming. I know that the Lord never leaves us or forsakes us. I know that “He who began a good work in you will carry it out until the day of completion.” So today, I will settle for the cold hard truth.
This is hard.
Every day and month that I’m away from home gets much harder to fight the homesickness and be fully present.
We don’t have to have it together all the time; He already does.
Last night I found myself at church, broken and exhausted and selfishly unhappy to be there. However, I found myself singing the words:
“I surrender all to you. Everything I give to you. I surrender all to you, withholding nothing. I give myself away, oh Lord. I give myself away, so You can use me.”
Every time we push past what we want and hold our hands open to whatever He wants, we please the Father.
— struggling but staying,
KP
