There has been a lot of fear in returning home from the World Race: fear that I’ll somehow slip back into the person I was before I left, fear that I’ll forget or lose all that I’ve learned and seen, fear that I’ll stop living the way I did on the Race. This fear sometimes freezes me.
Honestly, being home from the Race has been slightly difficult. I’ve questioned where I fit. Sometimes I feel like I’m with people but I’m on the outside looking in. My body is present but my mind and spirit feel out of place. It’s hard to explain to people how you could be gone a year but feel like you’ve experienced 5 years worth of living. For other people it’s just the next time they see you, but for me it feels like a lifetime since we were together, since I was home. I feel like a completely different person standing before them. It’s hard to know how to combine my old friends with the new me, my old life with my new way of living.
But tonight, tonight was surreal. It’s the moment where my two worlds collided.
Eyes glued to watching One Tree Hill on Netflix, I barely noticed Mom take Bella outside to “potty.” Moments later however I very clearly heard the shrill yells “Oh God!” she expelled as she went down. Scrambling off the couch, I heard her begin to cry. The scene struck my eyes as hard as what felt like my heart beating outside of my chest: my mom laying face down on the concrete sidewalk. As I ran to her, I could only imagine the worst: concussion, broken bones, busted face. I slowly turned her over on her back as she continued to wail “my hand, my hand.” In what felt like a moment of panic, yet somehow appeared like calmed control, I grabbed her hand and began praying out loud for healing in Jesus name. Halfway through my prayer I realized, we don’t really do this here… this praying out loud immediately and expecting complete healing instantaneously. Part of me wanted to look up and see if anyone had noticed or had heard me. The other part powered through in full confidence and faith that the only thing that could help her hand right now was the healing power of our Ultimate Physician. We eventually made it inside and iced her hand for the next twenty minutes until she agreed to be fine. What most would phrase as a “close call” or “just a scare” in this situation, I recognized as the grace and miraculous healing of our Jesus Christ. And if that makes me a little charismatic or just plum crazy, well that’s quite alright with me.
The truth is, most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing here or what God has for me here. Everyone has opinion about what I should be doing – school, work, missions. I just know God called me home, what to do from here I’m still waiting on His direction. It feels like I’m floating in a place of limbo, unsure what’s next. Sometimes, for a moment, I begin to question my purpose.
But then I have a night like tonight, where I am quickly reminded of my purpose. That purpose is to brightly shine the light of Christ, to teach those what God has taught me, and to love people with God’s unconditional love. And it hit me that there is no one, not even Satan himself, who can take away from me the things I’ve learned or the person I’ve become this year.
For that,
I give Glory to God.
