I am currently in Gainesville at the AIM office training to be an administrative assistant. How did I end up here? That is a really good question.
If you would have asked me two months ago if I would be interested in doing an office job, I would have said never again in my life! Not to say that I wouldn’t do it if the Lord lead me there, but I wouldn’t be interested in doing it. And to be honest, I’m not sure that has changed much, although I am open to having my mind changed.
When we had out debrief in Thailand last Aug/Sept, Seth began to focus out attention on what will come after the race. He shared a new vision for a second year program for World Race alumni, called Living On The Edge. Several options were included, such as mobilization in the US, training schools overseas, and coaching for future World Race teams. My ears perked up at the mention of coaching, and I shared my interest with Seth and my vision for what that might look like.
Not too much was said after that, but I has also been in touch with Andrew about his leadership program in Spain. I really want some more focused discipleship and I really have a lot of respect for Andrew’s straight forward approach. I also concidered going back to South Africa to spend some time with Gary and Lisa Black and Tom and Cindy Sipling. I has lots of ideas and options, but no clear direction on which one to pursue.
After being home for a little while, I got an email from Seth about the coaching and other options. I replied to let him know that I was still interested and wanted to reamain in the loop. Soon after that, I was given an invitation to come to Gainesville and work in the office in the meantime. There would be great opportunities for discipleship here with the other staff members, and I could join the AIM family.
I liked the sound of that. And, I had already expressed a desire to get involved with the teams early on so that I would know them and know their struggles from the begining. He asked if I could be there in January, but I knew I needed some more time with family before I moved down there. We agreed that I could come down for training toward the end of January and then do some work from home until I was ready to make the move.
I was planning to come down on the 20th, but then some other training for fundraising came up that would last for three weeks. We decided that it would work best if I just came and stayed for the whole three weeks. So, here I am.
Since arriving, I have actually struggled a lot more with this than I had expected. I have now been informed that the coaching program is being reevaluated and is on hold for now. All of my excitement fell to a heap of rubble on the floor. That was the whole thing that got me here. That was the thing that helped my accept the idea of working in an office; the idea that all of this was building up to that opportunity to get back out into the field and live out my passions again. What happened?!?
I had to think long and hard about what this meant for me. I sought the Lord, “What are you doing? What is your plan here?” trying to keep and open mind. Although my enthusiasm is still rather deflated, I can see how the is using this experience to challange and stretch me. I realize that I still base a lot of my identity on what I do and not on who I am.
Jerry shared this devotion with us on Monday morning before any of this stuff even really hit me. I have thought back to it often in the last few days.
Pilgrimage
We are always looking to the next moment to be more perfect. We’re a people always rushing into the future because we’re not experiencing a wholeness in the present. Yet, this moment is as perfect as it can be. When we haven’t grasped the present, we always live under the illusion – and it is an illusion – that the next moment is going to be better: when I get around this corner, when I see this church, when I get to Jerusalem, when I get to the hotel, whatever it might be. Everything we do is for the sake of something else, a means toward some nebulous end.
That attitude is essentially wrong. As long as we think happiniess is around the corner, we have not grasped happiness. Happiness is given in this moment. Everything is right here, right now, the total mystery of Christ; totally hidden and yet perfectly revealed.
Though pilgrimages are good for the spirit, if you can’t find Jesus in your hometown, you probably aren’t going to find him in Jerusalem. We go on pilgrimage so we can go back home and know that we never need to go on pilgrimage again. Pilgrimage has achieved its purpose when we can see God in our everyday and ordinary lives.
from On Pilgrimage with Father Richard Rohr
I believe that part of why I am here is to learn to live in the present. I realize that I have has some unrealistic expectations that I could always maintain this level of adventure and excitement that I had last year. Now I see that I have come down off of that mountain and am being led through a comparatively barren valley. But as I stop to look around, to experience the present, I know I will find little treasures here that were not on that mountain.
I do believe that I am called to the nations. The desires and passions in my heart do not go against God’s calling on my life. But I do see that there is a season of preparation for all things. Just as I spent 6 months preparing for The World Race, I see this as a season of preparing for long term missions later in my life. The things that I will learn here in the office, all of the stuff that happened in the background last year, is stuff I will need to understand if missions is going to be a lifetime career.
Even beginning now with learning how to raise monthly support on an ongoing basis is a challange that will set a foundation for things to come. I can see God’s purpose in so many different ways, and I am willing to commit to walking through this valley if that is where He is leading me. But, I have to be honest. It isn’t easy to swallow.
The idea of working in an office does not excite me, but the idea of what God is doing in me through this journey does. I do think I will like the work here. I am interested in seeing how all of this stuff comes together, and being a part of that. It would be easier if I knew it was building up to me going with the teams, but easier isn’t always better.
Although there are no trip plans on the table at the moment, I know that things change pretty quickly around here. Opportunities may arise at any moment, but they are not garunteed. So as Jimmy advised the other day, I have to lay down my Isaac. I have to let go of what seems to be the fulfilment of a promise or a call, and let God show me what His plan really is. I have to give Him the desires and passions of my heart and trust that He will satisfy them in the right time, more deeply than I ever could.
Please pray with me as I walk through this transition. Pray that God will gentley lead me to His truth and His peace.
