I haven’t posted very regularly, mostly because I didn’t think I had anything worth saying. Most of these last few months felt like a disapointment and a failure. No matter how open and flexible we think we are, we always come with expectations.
When I came home from the World Race, I was looking for that next big thing. I wanted to hold onto the intesity and adventure of the World Race forever. I had this idea that the extremes of that lifestyle somehow made me great. My perspective was still very distorted. I was trying to offer myself to the World instead of offering Christ. Of course God shut that down. What kind of God would He be if He let me continue in my delusion?
Time after time, I sought out a position to offer myself to. First, World Race coach – slam! Then, World Race squad leader – slam! Then, World Race staff – slam! The doors kept slamming shut in my face. Of course I took this as a personal offense. I was being rejected yet again. I was being turned down, denied. I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t have what it takes… All of those lies from my life came flooding in and in my defense I became angry and bitter. It felt like a pretty raw deal. After all, I was offering myself to be used for God’s glory; or at least I thought I was. I felt ashamed in a sense, because I let my supporters down. They are expecting me to do this great work for the Kingdom, and here I am working at Starbucks. I felt like a dissapointment.
In my tears, I cried out to God “Why is this happening to me? Why doesn’t anybody like me/want me around? What makes them so much better than me?” At first, I was too caught up in self pity to even hear what God might have to say about it. But when I began to recognize the bitterness that was rising up in me, I knew that I had given satan a foothold. I knew I had to take a closer look at what was going on in my heart. I stepped back and asked God to give me clarity about the offenses I was holding onto.
As I looked back over each event on the record I was keeping in my head, I began to realize that I had magnified each one in relation to my previous experiences. Sometimes I even rehearsed scenarios in my mind before they ever happened. I expected to be rejected. I expected to be criticized. I expected to be left out and ignored. It’s no wonder that I was. I was setting myself up for defeat, and I was setting everybody else up to fail me.
Once God had given me this revelation, I knew that I had to repent and ask for forgiveness. So I sent an apology to the people who were most closely connected to these events. Immediately, the voices of despair fell silent. However, I soon realized that although I had asked for forgiveness, I had not forgiven. I was still holding onto their part of the offense. So I was still stuck in self-pity.
Once I chose to forgive, my heart was opened to receive God’s grace. He showed me how much He had been working in all of this. I thought that I was stuck and stagnant, but God was in fact getting to the core of my identity to healing what I was powerless to change.
We have no control over the things that happened in our past. We can not change them. We can chose how to respond to the present and we can even protect ourselves in some ways, but we cannot change the past. But God can.
He allowed me to experience once again the wounds that were inflicted long ago. These new offenses always strike at old wounds causing them to bleed again. However, this time God allowed me to be wounded by brothers and sisters who would seek to make things right and in showing me that love and genuine repentance, both wounds were healed. It was by God’s grace that I suffered, so that I could be made complete.
This past week, we have been holding training camp for the next “generation” of World Racers. The other night during a time of worship, I felt the Spirit of the Lord resting heavily upon me. When the call went out for staff to come and pray over the participants, I went out with boldness and confidence, knowing who I am and whom I serve. That was the first time since coming home that I knew I had something to offer, and it wasn’t me – it was Christ in me.
There was a cloud of confusion and doubt hovering over me telling me that I was useless, and that I had no purpose. It’s gone now, and I know who I am. Not the person I thought I was for thirty-two years, but the person that God revealed to me last year when He gave me a new name. I am no longer forgotten, rejected, abandoned and ignored. I am no longer weak, or useless, or inferior. I am not stupid, or ugly, or crazy. I am chosen by God to be a voice to the nations, and ambassador of His love. I am His beloved, a daughter of the King. I am powerful and victorious, fierce, and compassionate. I am Christ to a dark and desperate world. I bring life to dead things and hope to the hopeless. I am needed, not because of what I do, but because of who I am. My beauty is the redemption of Christ in me and through me. I glorify God most when I am who I am.
