Since I have been home, I have had plenty of time to think about what comes next in my life. It seems I get more and more restless as the days go by, wanting some kind of answer to that question; wanting to arrive at my next destination.
I know I want to continue in missions full-time, and I plan to continue working with AIM, but I know little more than that. I visited for a few weeks in January to get some training on admin stuff and support raising for long term financial needs.
Since then, I have been spending time with family and friends, meeting new people and sharing my story; inviting people to join my support team and be a part of what God is doing. My goal is to get enough of regular support to be able to move to Georgia and begin my full time work – whatever that ends up looking like.
A few weeks ago, Jimmy called me and made me an incredible offer. They are looking for squad leaders for the July team, and they new how anxious I was to get back out into the field. So, he asked me if I would be interested in being the assistant squad leader for the July race. That would mean that I would get to spend another 11 months traveling to amazing places and meeting amazing people and seeing God do amazing things.
At first, I was in shock about what was being placed before me. Could I really get to do this again? Is this really possible, that this could be my life for another 11 months. Do I really get to do this absolutely amazing thing not only once, but twice? And I had just spent the last month preparing my heart for office work of all things.
Then I began to get really excited, giddy almost, at the thought of packing my bags for another great adventure. But there was this nagging question in the back of my mind. “God is this your will or is it mine? God, just tell me if this is your will because that is the only thing that matters.” But I didn’t get a loud and clear message. “God, if I’m gonna do this; if I’m gonna commit to another 11 months of intensity with only 4 months to raise $14,000, I need to know you are behind it. I need some pretty clear confirmation.” Still nothing.
Last week, I called Jimmy to let him know I was still thinking about it. We talked about what was going through my head, and he asked me one very important question. “Have you been reading the blogs from the July racers?” My answer was no, and it hit me pretty hard. While I was in Gainesville, I had the opportunity to interview a few potential racers. One of the questions I had to ask was whether or not they were reading any current blogs. There was a little side note that this was a pretty good indication of how serious the applicant was about it. So that stuck out like a big red flag in my head.
Jimmy had suggested that I begin reading the blogs and see if my heart begins to connect to them. I agreed, but every time I was online I just wasn’t very interested in checking their blogs. In fact, it took my about another week to even log in to see what was being posted. It really bothered me that I wasn’t interested in what they were discussing. After much thought and prayer, I began to lean toward no going. I even started to verbalize those feelings to people who asked if I had made a decision yet. I noticed that I felt comfortable saying this.
The more I began to accept the idea of saying no, the more peace I had. I had not had any peace about this whole idea from the time I was asked. I just had a lot of iner turmoil and conflict about what I wanted and what was right. So I took this as my confirmation, not that I was supposed to go, but that I was not called to this at this time.
It was really hard to turn down this amazing opportunity, but I do have peace about it. Since I made the call and announced my decision, I have had a lot of time to think about it with more clarity. I realize that what I really want right now is to enjoy the fruit of what God did in my life over the last year and a half. I have found a new peace with myself, and am learning more and more everyday about who God made me to be.
I have enjoyed fellowship with my family, more than I ever have before. God is healing a lot of old wounds in my life, little by little. I want to savour these moments. I want to build strong friendships that encourage and challange me. I really want some stability for a little while to work through some of the issues that haven’t been resolved or even addressed yet.
One of the things that I have come to understand is that my service in the Kingdom of Heaven has absolutely nothing to do with where I am; it is about who I am. I am a new creation. Most of my life, I lived by a false identity born of lies and deceptions from the enemy, telling me I was not good enough, I was different – rejected and incapable of being normal. These lies have been revealed for what they are, but there is much work to be done.
I had somewhat of a crisis last year while these lies were being uprooted. “If I am not all of these things that I always though I was; if I am not insecure and forgotten and rejected… who am I?” The old false identity was exposed for what it was, but I had to start from the beginning and find out who I really was. That was scary. Sometimes, I ran back to the lies because it was just easier – familiar. But I am determined to defeat the enemies hold on my life. He has stolen too much from me, and I want it back!
So I am still in that process of learning who I am; who Christ says that I am; who God made me to be. I need a safe place, a community who will stand beside me and fight with me. I need people who will speak truth into my life, and who will call out the lies when I don’t see them. Only when I know who I am in Christ, when I know how to be who God made me to be no matter where I am – then I will be ready to take on the world again.
I am not waiting for perfection, as that will take a lifetime, but I need to get to a place of confidence in who the Lord made me to be. Then I will be free to serve my brothers and sisters and be a leader instead of being absorbed in my own struggles.
So, my focus now is to get to Georgia where I can use my gifts and talents to get others into the mission field, while also getting the support and accountability I need to go that next level in my own growth. So, please pray for my financial support to come in so I can make the move, and pray for God to provide the right people to be my mentors and disciplers and to guide me on through this season of healing and learning.
Thank all of you so much for all of your support and encouragement as I figure out what it means to follow Jesus and be the will of God. You guys are awesome, and your prayers can move mountains. I pray that God returns the blessings to you 100 fold.
