Ok I admit it…
I’m terrified.
There I said it….
(*slow sigh of relief)
It feels good to admit that because I think I’ve been lying to myself and putting on a brave face for others for a long time.
These past few months have been really difficult for me and if I’m being honest … I just really did not want to go on the world race.
There were so many reasons, so many questions…
how can I leave my job at such a crucial time?
How am I going to be away from my family for that long?
Does this mean that I have to wait another couple years to get married and start a family?
Am I really cut out for the work that is ahead of me?
Ect.. Ect.. Ect..
I had such a fear of all the things that I was going to be missing out on back at home.. I was only focused on all the things that I was going to be losing. And not considering all the things that I would be gaining.
Not only that but I also really started to doubt myself in almost every way, shape, and form.
None of these reasons are legitimate. But when you are in the middle of it. They seem totally rational and the truth of Gods word starts to slowly fade away.. These lies became my truth
As I’ve surveyed my life and all the questions that I have regarding the World Race.
There is one thing I noticed.. The main theme of all my questions is motivated and driven by one thing…
FEAR.
When you first get accepted to the world race you feel so excited and really empowered.. When you discover your greater purpose you initially feel an overwhelming sense of confidence in God and in yourself. You cant believe the fact that God would choose someone like you to do something so extraordinary.
That God could use your life, and your story to bring hope to people in some of the most hopeless circumstances.
But then.. Life happens..
Everyday stresses and anxieties begin to cloud your thoughts. And pull your focus away. And the further you go, the harder it is to get back. Back to that place of confidence and absolute certainty that you are on the right path. You start to sink into a hole I like to call…
discouragement.
The darkness settles in…
and how quickly we forget in the darkness what we saw so clearly in the light.
A small voice echoes in the background: Are you sure this is your purpose? Do you really think you can do this? Did God really say ______?
The seed of doubt is planted and begins to grow roots before you even realize it. That little critic in your head begins to fill your mind and heart about who you are and ultimately about who God is, and what He is able to accomplish through your life.
I say all of this mostly because this is what happens to me.. And I’m sure I’m not the only one…
This seems to be a recurring theme in my life. And it has only been highlighted throughout this process.
Feelings of fear, doubt, insecurity, shame, and an overall sense of unworthiness have gripped me throughout most of my life. It has been something Ive struggled with since childhood and continue to struggle with to this day. If you want to get real biblical with it. I think I would refer to it as the thorn in my flesh.
In Corinthian’s Paul talks about having a thorn in his flesh.. It doesn’t specify exactly what it was. But it was something that Paul continually struggled with.. it was something that plagued him throughout his life and ministry… It says that he begged God three times to take it away.. And each time God replied with..
“my grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Let’s be honest.. it feels terrible to continue to struggle with the same things over and over and over and over again. You wonder if you will ever be free of it. Sometimes we have this assumption that when we give our lives to Christ, everything that hindered us before just goes away, like magic…
But that is not the truth. Walking out our Salvation is a long and sometimes painful process. By Gods grace you can get stronger everyday.. but there never comes a point where you don’t struggle at all. And this can be really frustrating at times.
But I’ve come to believe that God sometimes allows us to continue to struggle so that we will always know that it is by His grace that we are still here, It keeps us constantly dependent upon Him. It forces us to trust Him in new ways. it forces us to surrender all of our selfishness. it brings us to our knees in desperation. It breaks us, and strips us down so that God can build us back up into the person that we are meant to be.. The person that God intended when he formed the Earth and when he knit us together in our mothers womb.. He shapes us into the person that he sees when he looks at us… Not this broken thing that we see when we look in a mirror,
but a beautiful reflection of His son.
This process is not easy.
Some days it hurts like hell…
but in the end.. It is so worth it…
when we are left with this beautiful revelation of who we are. Our true identity in Christ. Made in Gods image. Fully known and fully loved by God, despite our failures..
God breaks us to bless us.
He chips away anything that keeps us from finding our true life in Him.
I pray that we may never lose sight of the fact that He is always right there carrying us through, even in the darkest of days. Always knowing that it is His love that sustains us.
That’s why I am writing this blog today.. To admit out loud that I’m struggling, and I don’t have to be ashamed of the things that I struggle with.. I’m not going to allow the devil to keep those things in the dark.
God is bringing to light all the things that I have allowed to hold me back.. He’s bringing it all to the surface so that He can begin to heal it.
And I can continue to move forward toward what he has called me to do…
one… slow… step…..at a time.
What Paul says next is…
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
So yes. I’m scared. I’m insecure. I feel unworthy at times. Somedays my own self doubt and shame feel overwhelming, sometimes I even think that I could never be used by God because of things I’ve done… But….
Jesus is greater than my doubt..
Jesus is greater than my fear..
Jesus is greater than my insecurity..
Jesus is greater than my shame..
It says…
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,f Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need
Hebrews 4:14
We don’t need to run from God. We don’t need to hide our weakness and our struggle from God. God wants us to bring them to him. Come as you are and give your self .. Flaws and all.. to God. bring him your disappointments and your fears and your doubts and all of your brokenness. And allow him to do what he’s does best.. Make beautiful things from the ashes. Let him give you his unfailing love in exchange for your shame. He will gladly trade you.
His grace really is sufficient for me. And it will carry me through whatever I face in this life.
And it will give me the courage to press on despite my struggle and despite my fear.
I thank you Lord that no matter how far I run .. You always pursue me
No matter how many times I try to hide.. You look for me
No matter how many times I fail.. You still love me.
my life is yours.
My life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus–the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God.
Acts 20:24
