Words

I promised a blog from The Big L and it has taken some time, but here is just a little taste of what God taught me while I was there…

 

I have been having trouble putting into comprehensive thought what I have been feeling lately. I came into this month with such a joy and excitement. I knew my team would be able to get closer and to be more real. I’m so thankful that that happened. We were able to share our stories with each other and take the time to start to understand why we are the way we are. We had one on one dates with each other to continue to grow the new bonds that were developing. But even as we started the month I knew their would be frustrations along the way. Growth takes stretching which is uncomfortable in the least and can be very painful. I’ve never been one for confrontation. I would rather pray about it and get over it the best that I can. That’s really the way my whole team is, we don’t like to create waves. But tensions were growing between one of my teammates and myself that was affecting the entire team. I knew I needed to say something, but after some previous discussions, I really didn’t think it would be received well. After a couple days of praying about it and telling others to pray for the conversation, I finally grew the courage to say something. The conversation went so much better than I ever thought. Things that were miscommunicated or just unknown were brought to light. It felt really good to get stuff out in the open. I was able to apologize for the places I was wrong and receive forgiveness. Our relationship since then has been so much better. We still have different ways of doing things and yet we clash because we are so similar, but I know I can go to this person when I need to because they will hear me now.

 

Another time in the month I was getting frustrated with someone on my team. I knew this person was having a difficult time, so I didn’t want to add to it, so I didn’t say anything. But God knew it needed to be brought to light and it naturally came up. I was able to gently tell the person my frustrations and it was a good conversation. But a couple of days later we talked and some of the same things came up. The conversation did not seem to be going well, but then God took hold and brought to light some struggles that needed to be dealt with. Lies that the enemy had been using were rebuked and a new freedom was found. In those instances, God has really used my words to bring understanding. Words of healing were put forth and in both circumstances God was given he glory!

 

Unfortunately my words were not always what needed to be said. At one point I was frustrated and when I found out that another teammate was struggling with the same frustrations we vented together. As we talked my frustrations grew and I’m sure that the same happened for the other person. I tried to pray about it, but the frustration would not go away. Soon after I got sick. If you know me well, then you know that I don’t get sick very often. When I get sick it’s usually just a cold, and I can still function. This time I could not function for three days. I had a fever the first night and the rest of the time I was achy all over, had no energy, and stomach problems. The time in bed gave me a lot of time to think. In the midst of my fever I struggled with guilt from my frustrations and feelings of being alone and that my team didn’t care. I tried to fight back with the truth, but all I could do was cry. The next day I had to give it all up to God. I don’t know what was different that day than the days before when I prayed, but this time I had peace. I felt my hands open and God taking control back. I don’t know if the reason I was sick was because of my venting and not being able to keep my mouth closed, but I do know that it is something I need to work on. Venting not only hurts me by making me more frustrated and have less compassion for my teammates, but it hurts the person I vent to to as well!

 

That leaves me with questions. How do I get rid of frustrations when I am a verbal processor? Talking to God out loud is hard to do with so many people always around. When do I go to people to talk to them about frustrations? Knowing what to talk to God about and what I need to talk to individuals about is a delicate balance. I can say that since this last debrief God has given my a renewed love for all of my teammates and I can’t wait to see what God is going to do with us in Africa!